Mr. Wyl Dancrazy

Just when I thought I had exhausted my supply of interesting dating interactions I received this gem in my inbox. 

Hey there. Have a look at my profile and let me know if you would like to talk. In the meantime you can answer these 3 questions as an ice breaker (to get the conversation started).
1. Where have you travelled to so far?

2. When was your last big/messy night out?

3. And what is the craziest thing you've ever done? No judgement.

This guy is  too young for me (7 years younger) and a little too focussed on partying which I stated in my reply. Although I didn't feel the questions were the best ones for getting to know someone, I liked the interesting opener so I answered his questions too before thanking him for the distraction and wishing him all the best. To my surprise I received a reply.

He answered his own questions. He established that he was well travelled and liked to party, often drinking until sunrise. I am not sure why he bothered because it was pretty evident that we do not live compatible lifestyles (or in the same state). He also answered his third question. A condensed version is as follows:

Family wedding. Got Inebriated with cousins. After the wedding hit the town for more partying. Cocaine and MDMA consumed. Woke up the next morning in bed with cousin (6 years younger than him) surrounded by incriminating evidence. Both having no memory of anything post night club. He followed with a final "do you judge me for that story?"

Now I don't know about anyone else but to me putting that out there on message two doesn't seem like an obvious winning strategy. It is okay to go out and do something crazy. Sure, I guess you can even embrace it if you want to. We are all young once and we all do things that we regret and hopefully learn from. Doing your cousin is not the run of the mill mistake for most people but I hear these things happen (and worse). To be honest though, I don't want to get into a relationship with someone that is inclined to wipe themselves out on alcohol and illicit substances and party until sunrise at every opportunity. So in truth, yes I am judging him. I am judging his approach to life and whether that suits me.

I guess if he is searching for someone that is non-judgemental (or related to him) or also inclined to participate in wild nights then sure, why not? Sending information like that to anyone that will answer just might link you in with the right person. Probably not when that person has already clarified they don't think it will work. Probably not when the person's fairly comprehensive profile points in a different direction. But who knows, right?

The Masseur

As I was driving home from a cancelled dance rehearsal I had this message* pop up on my phone from a dating site app:

"Insanely spontaneous plastic surgeon simply wondered if madam could be tempted with a lovely massage this evening!!!!! Nothing sordid jusy 75 mins of free relaxation"

Sounds legit, right?! Needless to say, I wasn't exactly sold on the idea but given I had time on my hands I thought I would pry a little. Besides, I love a good massage and if that really was on offer I wouldn't object. To assure me he sent me the following message:

"Its nothing sordid. I do neck back bum thighs legs feet tum and chest, quite firm and takes around 75 mins. I have an evening off work thankfully and love giving massage, no catch just a keen amateur having done several courses! Happy to come to you, just occasionally a leap of faith is needed!"

Well that settles it. There mustn't be anything awry with what this person was proposing, just with my faith in leaping into the evidently skilled and professional hands of a stranger. I continued to push. No one does something for nothing and my instincts were telling me that there was much more to this**.

Given my curiosity and my hesitations*** I asked what he was getting out of the offer and suggested meeting in a public location near his place. To that he reported that his mother and niece were currently visiting from the UK. He followed this with:

"I WAS going to try an cadge a massage exchange. I would be massaged all day if I could!!!!! I understand your perspective, it DOES need a little leap of faith as I said, you'd be welcome here but my mother and niece may be a slight distraction."

He sure likes his capitals and exclamation marks. By this point I wasn't feeling comfortable about the situation** but thought that verifying his identity would make me feel a little more at ease.

"I have to be careful and could find my details on the front page of the paper! I have an MA, a DPhil and MCRS and FRCS and even an FRACS, I even went through 18 months of vetting at Vauxhall Bridge but just now as I said a little mutual trust is needed, not credentialing!"

I don't know about you but I am not sure what half of that means. Listing off a few acronyms in an indignant way doesn't encourage trust or make the guy seem more endearing, regardless of whether or not he is a registered professional. I called it. I apologised for offending him and told him that I wasn't comfortable meeting him. I suggested he enjoy his time with his visitors. Then he messaged again.

"I enjoy massage and there is a sexual edge but I am in a relationship and this is extra curricular hence why I cannot risk exposure! Happy to meet somewhere and have a kiss and cuddle lol I am direct but 110% honest"

 Another message beeped.

"I can come to you now! If you want to indulge totally I can bring you do a nice gentle orgasm with my massage"

110% honest alright. From the very minute he started messaging me. I wonder if his wife/partner knows how "honest" he is to others. In any case I had already tapped out by this point. The aggressive / defensive / desperate interaction style doesn't really do it for me. I also have a general rule of avoiding cheaters. I politely declined with the following:

In all honesty I keep myself fairly busy. I don't have time to give to something that has no possibility of more. I am sure you have your reasons for seeking intimacy outside of your relationship but I am not comfortable knowingly hurting someone. I am also not interested in intimacy with someone who is comfortable doing that. I hope you are able to restore whatever it is that you are not currently getting from your relationship or can find the courage to face it, call it as it is and start again. Good luck with it.

He replied with a simple "patronising lol". I didn't return a message. After another couple of days I decided to block him. I had given this guy too much of my time as it is. Two weeks later, moving to a whole new level of creepy I received a message from a new profile. This one had a new name and fewer details. The location was a different city to the one I live. It was his photo. He only wrote one word. "Massage?"** I blocked him. Immediately. He had gone to quite a bit of effort to send that message. That is calculated creepy right there.  Not the kind of person I want to indulge any more than I already had.

There are many things that bothered me about this guy but the one that really comes to my mind is the use and abuse of power. Being a plastic surgeon^ does not grant any special privilege. I just wish that was the whole truth though. The reality is that we live in a society that does define some as better than others. Slavery still exists, despite our 1st world status. Women have still not achieved equal status to their male counterparts. There are power differences in most kinds of relationships including the intimate ones we form with a partner and in the work based professional relationships we hold. Working one job rather than another doesn't make someone any better a person or any more entitled to things. A professional standing doesn't (or at least shouldn't) forgive anyone of ill deeds, especially against another human. Your actions matter, regardless of who or what you are. And it is never okay to use and abuse people^^.

I strive to be aware of power differentials in my work as well as my everyday life. I'm not perfect but I actively try to be considerate of others. I just wish we lived in a world where all people were held accountable to their actions, especially when it comes to the abuse of power and of other people.




* The italicised quotes are almost exactly as they were at the time of communication (minus the occasional identifying word).
** A few red flags were going up.
*** And my propensity for risk taking and sometimes less than thought out decisions in the name of spontaneity and "why not?"
^ if in fact he actually is one
^^ I would argue that actively seeking out someone to cheat on your partner with is a behaviour that falls under this category.

Excuse me Mr.

Okay, so I don't usually do this but today I was feeling in high spirits and opinionated about topics that mean a lot to me. In the middle of the night I received a message from someone on the dating site I frequent. I read it in the morning before riding to work but I couldn't rid myself of some background feeling that I couldn't let it slide. The message itself is completely innocuous. It read as follows:

Hey. I liked your profile so thought I'd send you a message. How are you? How is this dating site treating you so far? I'd love to chat with you sometime. Have a look at my profile and see if you think we might click. I have some pics I can share with you if you would like to see them. 
I look forward to hearing from you soon. :-)

As a general rule I try to reply to anyone that has taken the time to write more than one line to me. When I looked at the profile I was actually left feeling a little insulted. There were a few key points that stood out for me:A time of big changes is upon me and it's time to ... have some fun. Please don't take that as only wanting sex or one night stands. Far from it! I'm just not ready for settling down or falling in love right now.

When asked what he cannot live without, last on the list was "boobs (not my own)". This of course was followed by "I spend a lot of time thinking about boobs. Honestly what man doesn't?"

And finally with you should message me if

you are saying to yourself 'WTF? Is this guy for real?' and you want to find out.

Or if you are wondering if I am as crazy as you are.
And only if you're the kind of person that will not just ignore me after you see a photo of me. Decent people will at least reply and say they're not interested.

Now I don't expect this person to change how he sees the world and how he presents himself. I don't expect him to care about what I don't like or my thoughts on the vast number of topics that we will never discuss. The beauty of digital connections are that I can leave them without regard, and with no connection to a genuine face to face encounter. I can ignore and walk away as I please. In saying all of that I did of course send a reply. Running on the assumption that this person has no idea about the messages he is putting out through his profile I just wanted to clear a thing or two up. I wanted him to know that some things are not okay with me (and I hope with a huge number of other people out there). I decided to reply first thing so I could move on with my day. 

My reply:

Hey there. Thanks for your message. Personally I find internet dating is easier to take it all with a grain of salt. Every now and then I meet someone interesting. I come and go from it as life permits and note that others do too. I try not to take anything too personally. I do notice a different social etiquette on internet forums (which are not the same as face to face). I guess connection through digital means only leaves those connections with a transience that doesn't hold in the same way as genuine personal encounters. I get the impression that you are pretty frustrated by the whole internet dating thing - 'Decent people will at least reply and say they're not interested'. If that is not the case than you might want to reconsider how you phrase that last line in your profile. 

In all honesty I don't think we would be a good match. I have stated some reasons below but feel free to disregard them as you please. Not everyone connects and that is life. 

I like that you have lots of information in your profile but I am always very wary of people that do not include a photo. I guess if I am putting myself out there publicly than I expect the other person to as well. I am very visual (hence all of the photos of me doing things) and have a general rule of not getting into long discussions with people without a photo.

I will just finish on a couple more points. I'd like to keep my options open about kids and I see that you have some already and don't want any more. You also note in your profile that you are just out of two long term relationships and are 'just not ready for settling down or falling in love right now'. Reading my profile you should have seen that 'I am in no hurry and I am not looking for "fun or discreet times" in the meantime' so you do not line up with what I am looking for. 

You also focus on 'boobs' in your profile which I find a little off putting. Although in the right context I have no problem with that (I am far from a prude about sex), I find the sexual objectification of women personally offensive. I am sure you are not intending to come across in any way offensive, but you might want to reconsider that point because without context it is hard to tell. By highlighting a body part, rather than an interest in a person as a whole it suggests that you might not consider women as whole people that should be treated accordingly. That runs against what I believe in, how I approach life and how I like people to approach me. 

Based on those points I am not sure we are looking for the same things or that we would click. There might be someone out there looking for what you have to offer but this is not me. Good luck in your search.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My reply might have been a completely pointless exercise that achieved nothing. I hope in spending that time I have just slightly nudged this person's perception of what is okay and normal. We're not all on the same page. Whatever the insecurities we have about ourselves or our place in the world it is not okay to direct them at others or treat a human being as less than (in this case as being an objectified fragment for sexual gratification). I could have ignored the comments about boobs or the passive aggressive comment on what a decent person is. I just feel that by ignoring comments and statements I am inadvertently condoning them and today I don't want to be that person.  

Topics of Conversation

So I have been doing this internet dating thing on and off for a while now. In the process, I have had some interesting first date conversations. I can't deny my part in this. I thoroughly enjoyed the date spent debating zombie rebirth, methods of transmission, zombie speed and mobility (including the use of limbs without the muscle connections) and the fact that zombies are an analogy for disease and the constant conflict we have with emerging and sometimes fantasized past disease realities (e.g. the plague). I can appreciate that this kind of conversation is not everyone's cup of tea.

In this blog I am going to talk briefly about topics of conversation. I am not referring to free flowing, mutually driven (and sometimes nerdy/geeks/odd) conversation like the example above. I am going to discuss some of the topics that are less comfortable and satisfying. I will break them down into topics of children, ex partners, mental health and diet.

Children

I have no problem with children, in fact I love them. I want children one day myself. The statement I don't like in profiles, emails or in person is "my children are my world so you have to be okay with that" or "my children always come first". Firstly, I don't have to be okay with that! Secondly, why would I want to be with someone who from the get-go is saying my needs (and future children's?) are second rate? 

What this statement reads to me is more like:

"I am really boring and all I can talk about is my kids",

"Let's spend a date flicking through pictures of my kids instead of actually spending time together",

"I am a dad and this is my most defining feature, even if I don't want more kids", or 

"You aren't as important and I will ignore your needs when I have my kids around". 

Now I don't know about anyone else but that doesn't sound too enticing! More like something, that if given the choice I would rather avoid. 

I'd like to clarify that generally I am able to fully accept people and their children. I admire the parental urge to love and protect them. I even respect it. I just think that dating parents need to understand that if they want to start a new life with someone else, they need to give it a little space, energy and time too. Ease up on these comments about your children being your whole world. Instead let your date be your world while your kids aren't around. Without that middle ground you aren't leaving space in your life to build a relationship.

And just a little footnote on that, a good person will love those children anyway. They will do it because they love you and see your reflection in them, not because you have told them that they have to. If your new partner isn't good to your kids then reset and try again. You get to pick the person you get to be with, your kids don't. Let your kids be a litmus test for your new partner (just give your potential partner attention and time so that a relationship can develop if it is meant to be). 

Ex-partners

It would be no surprise to anyone, but extensive conversation on the topic of exes, especially on a first or second date is probably not okay.  I am going to be straight here. Don't go there. If you still have their photos up at home, still get upset you when you see your ex, or if you are talking about them when meeting a new partner - you aren't over them. It might be helpful to spend some time on and with yourself. To the trained (and untrained) eye, it is possible to pick up on subtle hints (see section 5) suggesting this might be that case with your date.

As a side note on this topic, if you are currently in a relationship and looking for discreet encounters - YOU ARE A SELFISH, CHEATING ASSHOLE! Sort your issues or leave your partner. If you have to hide your new connections or ask them to hide details about you, then surely you know it is not okay. Become a decent human being. Please. And whilst you are at it, do not contact me. Ever!

Mental Health

Mental health is usually a topic I find hard to avoid. Even the question of "what do you do" leads to this kind of content. As outrageous as it sounds, I am meeting potential partners, not clients. If someone has recently tried to kill themselves, is depressed or highly anxious to a level that is clinically significant, a distraction might be good but really, they need a therapist, not a date. Mental health issues are hard work.

If you know one of these people and they want to leave a good first impression, tell them to step away from the computer and leave internet dating alone for a while. These conditions often result in a lot of self-focused thoughts and actions that don't leave space for someone else. Relationships always require a bit of work but starting downstream without a paddle doesn't give it a good shot.

Diet

I am pretty open minded when it comes to diets. I understand that there are preferences for food, medical conditions that impact what people can eat, and philosophical positions that impact food choice.  In terms of conversation topics, I admit that I usually am the one to instigate this.

I will give you an example of how this might roll out on a date (that I actually had). I was invited to meet a male out at midday at a cafe. At 12 it is unlikely that someone would have already had lunch. Too late for morning tea and pretty much spot on for lunch time, I evidently assumed wrong in thinking we might be grabbing a meal. He wanted a green tea (just one, because 2 does not have the same health benefits) and was not ordering any food. I asked why. He explained to me that he was trying out a new diet and didn't eat any sugar... none. Not in any form. No glucose, fructose, naturally occurring (in fruits and some vegetables) or otherwise. He had completely restricted his diet and wasn't letting any sweet in. My first question was "do you have a medical condition such as diabetes?". No he didn't.

I will let you in on a secret here. I often probe people's reasoning when they say "Oh, I can't eat that" to establish the underlying reason.  By doing this I am actually screening for people's propensity to be misled by pseudoscience and the general misrepresentation of science, to believe and act without questioning, all which is generally tied to wild and crazy, over-the-top dieting regimes. He failed. Call me an over-analyser... it is what I do (for a living).

The other reason I ask this question is because I actually like food. I enjoy eating and sampling life's delicacies when the moment is right. I am fond of cheese (some might even say I am a bit of a fiend). I like to cook, especially when it is for others. And by preference I prefer to avoid fast and fatty, fried take away food. If you have a medical condition I am happy to bend over backwards to make you a pleasant meal. If you are just somewhat eating disordered with a severely skewed understanding of health and nutrition you better look for a meal elsewhere. You ain't bringing my bread home.

In summary, conversation is very important in making a good impression. Being good at it really helps and what you say is usually only part of the message you are actually sending to someone (especially when you end up on a date with me).

I often get the question "so are you analysing me right now?" in response to my profession. Like everyone else, if I am having fun or am engaged in something interesting, then no, I am too busy with that to spend my energy analysing why something was done or said. The reality is that first (internet) dates sometimes far from fun and engaging (refer to ALL previous blog posts). So in a round about way, the short answer, as you probably gathered from this blog is yes. Yes I am. The reality is we all analyse each other. We all strive to understand where others are coming from, especially those we are considering or hope to make a connection with. It is the same thing. I am just a little more versed at it. Just be awesome and you have nothing to worry about.

Jack Hoff

It has been a long while since my last post. I set internet dating aside and spent some time focusing on my friends, family, travel and home owning. I am still single and it has been quite a while since my last date. Since my last post there have been a couple of moments that have been bloggable. This one starts on a quiet night in.

Leading up to this story it was a mostly unmemorable night. I was letting brain cells die off as I absent-mindedly watched an episode of Downton Abbey (because I can be that kind of exciting). I was considering the portrayal of a 1920s dispute between a married couple and wondering where today's gentleman are hiding when I got a knock at the door.

This isn't a typical night for me. I am usually out and about visiting others or doing something (for example, dancing) and I rarely get unexpected visitors. At the time I lived in a top floor unit in a complex in suburban Australia. It was a building with practical rather than aesthetic qualities. The rent was cheap and the tenants were interesting. I didn't mind the place and I had very few problems with my neighbours in my time there. I would say hello to them in the car park and pretend that the occasional weed plant in the main garden did not exist. Each neighbour politely returned the courtesy.

So there was a knock on my door. When I opened the door, it was my neighbour from the unit directly below. He stated that he had been baking and had some left-over special choc chip biscuits if I would like them. The special part of those biscuits was probably the same kind of special that gave him the worst case of bloodshot that I have ever seen. He was completely baked, so to speak. Being the polite "be nice and non-judgemental towards my neighbours" type of person that I make an effort to be, I thanked him and began tying up the conversation. I clearly had important plot lines to follow and meaningful questions to ponder with relation to Downton.

Now in saying I did not really have any problems with my neighbours, in all the interesting that they were, interesting things happened from time to time. On a birthday I was left 6 eggs, all with faces drawn on them. Creepy and sweet, all at the same time (actual birthday eggs pictured below).

Getting back to the story, I was about to close the door on my neighbour when he stated that he had one more question for me. By this point I was struggling with my cat who was no longer happy to be held and wanting to dash out into the night. In hind sight, shutting the fly wire door and letting go of her would have made things more comfortable, but it was also my excuse to wrap things up. Continuing to be polite I asked him what the question is.  When his response was an awkward "would you like to watch me jack off in front of you?" surprise and shock were the most prominent feelings in response!

My first thought was "You have got to be kidding. I mean, really?!". My actual response was a polite smile and a "no, thank you". To try and dissipate some of the awkward that clung to the air I soon followed that up with "I've just started seeing someone and I don't think they would appreciate it". This of course was a complete lie. The only visitor I had visiting me was a girlfriend who joined me for the latest episode of Game of Thrones once a week. I guess being out often backed up the story enough to make it believable. He accepted my decline and we both went back to our separate lives.

I am well aware that the simple "no, thank you" was more than adequate as a response to his question. Hell, I could have slammed the door in his face and called the police and it would not have been unreasonable. I have become so accustomed to managing situations out of left field in my working life that my primary response is always "let's minimise this awkward". 

I had a number of questions to ponder once I returned to the couch (and these weren't drawn from the world of Downton). What kind of person thinks that it is acceptable to ask that of a stranger? He has guts, I'll give him that. Either that or he completely lacks the capacity to think through the possible outcomes of any action (and given his state of mind it is probably the latter). Does he really think that works? Maybe it has worked for him before? What kind of woman accepts an offer like that? Do I really look like that kind of woman? Needless to say, there were a lot of questions.

My next move was to discreetly text and call all of my closest friends and inform them of the night's events (he's not a client so there is no need for confidentiality with this one). Let's face it, this kind of offer doesn't come around all the time. I will give him something though, at least he asked. Acting first and asking later would have been a whole other level of creepy and awkward.

At the end of the night I concluded that the gentlemen of today are still around. I just need to change my definition of gentlemen. Instead of politely requesting that an argument with their long-term wife is postponed until tempers are eased (the scene from Downton), occasionally they now come knocking on your door. Sometimes they leave eggs with faces on them, other times they offer to demonstrate how they can fertilise yours for you. Call my picky, but in cases like this I prefer to go without. 

Time Off

I am taking a week off blogging this week. For your entertainment I have linked to a few light video clips looking at dating to keep you going. Enjoy (I did)!

The Lawyer

I met up with a date who in his spare time was a lawyer. I like to call this fellow, 'The Lawyer'... you can probably guess why. Initially there wasn't too much on The Lawyer's profile. His job was there, some basic characteristics and a few things in the interests category. I usually don't accept contact from people with such limited information but he is a lawyer, so I thought, 'what the heck'. Being a lawyer suggests that he is educated, reasonably intelligent and he makes enough money to get by. That is a good start.

We decided to meet at a bar in the main strip. It is a nice casual venue with good meal deals on certain nights of the week. Date night was not one of those meal nights but we planned to have dinner and a drink or two there anyway.  

  

First impressions suggested that this guy was alright. He was attractive and casually well dressed. The Lawyer even held good conversation... for 20 minutes. After then it started to go downhill. He asserted that although there is an age gap between us, age shouldn't matter. He said he had a good feeling about us and that he thought we were a good match. He was 12 years older than me (14 years is my limit). I wasnt feeling so good about us yet, we didn't even know each other!

We continued chatting about our weeks and what we did, the things we enjoyed and what has brought us to internet dating. He was divorced with children. His children and friends had insisted he get out more. He struck me as someone who was a little lost with himself and needed a bit of motivation to engage with his own life. Maybe internet dating will be that for him.

There were two topics of conversation that he decided to discuss that stood out to me. The first conversation topic was about money. Now I know there is no rule written rule... or wait is there?

I am pretty sure it is well known that money is off the agenda for appropriate first date conversations. I could have probably guessed by the job description that The Lawyer was bringing in some bacon... he didn't need to slide it into the conversation a couple of times (just in case I missed it the first time). I am not someone waiting to be bought and talk of money is more of a business transaction to me (not the kind of thing I want to sit through on date 1). No thanks.

The second topic was of an astrological nature. Now I leave it to anyone to believe what they want to (okay, so maybe for my job I have to look at challenging beliefs occasionally but generally I let people be... unless I am considering them as a partner). He started out by saying "you know, I am a Leo and you a Scorpio. We have great compatibility". I wasn't expecting it from a lawyer and didn't really think it was a great topic at all. He continued. He asked me what I thought about star signs.

I told him that I believed about 1/3 of people that believe in star signs will change part of their personality to be more like their sign. I didn't quote where I got that from, but I remember hearing that statistic in an anomolistic psychology lecture once. In making this statement I would have thought that it suggests that I might not buy into the whole star sign thing. It was a subtle hint. He missed it. He continued to talk about star signs, and flick to his mobile facebook for too long than just to be looking for photos to show me. So this brings me to the clincher. Phone use during a date.

I usually keep my phone on silent (and not in use). I am not sure how some people missed the memo. It is not okay to use your phone while out on a first date!

He didn't take phone calls but what he did do was show me photos. I wasn't interested in looking at the photos but politely nodded and briefly commented on each. In my head was asking myself "really?". Now I can understand the merit of showing and sharing pictures. They are memories. They are moments in time special to the person that owns them. I, however, am not interested in being shown pictures of children, friends, holidays with children, friend's children, dogs or any other such things on date  number 1. How about we see if we even like each other and save all that other stuff for when we know I might actually meet these people and care some day.

So what was my decision on this fine specimen of an internet dater? I hear you asking. Well as much as our astrological connection predicted chemistry and good grounding and his job suggested financial stability, I wasn't sold. I called it after sitting through another half an hour of facebook photo looking and I went home.

In a crazy moment I was even considering going on the second date, just to give him the second chance to see if he improves. I canned that idea pretty soon after I had it. Those feelings of apprehension and and reservation are usually worth listening to.

Tell Me Something About Yourself

If someone's profile is their bait/lure, then the first email would have to be the hook. When fishing, if the first bite is managed well you have a catch. If it is botched up, this fish is still prioritising the get away.  

To me, the best email stands out, is creative and includes a little bit of humour (much like a profile). It tells me something about the person making contact and leaves me wanting to know more. Unfortunately this is not often the case in emails. The most common thing put forward to me in the first email is "tell me something about yourself".

I am in two minds about whether I mind this statement or not. On it's own, it can show that the other person is interested in finding out about who I am and what I find important. It is an ice breaker, an open ended statement calling for a response. On the other hand, when used on its own it is a very broad statement to respond to. What does someone want to know? I could easily pick out the factual things in response and recite them off - hair colour, eyes, years of study, height, birth weight, parental marital status, siblings, weight... no wait... that is not going to happen! That would be boring as batshit to read and completely irrelevant to the purpose of the first email. Plus most of that information (okay, some of that information) is already up there on my profile. This question when used without much leading information after I have already provided a lot of information in my profile, is also lazy.

As I have mentioned before, there is a fair amount in my profile. I hint, suggest, allude to, and flat out state who I am. I include openings to invite people to ask more about aspects of me, what I do and what I enjoy. I would hope that it is some of this information that has led the person to send me a kiss in the first place! "Tell me something about yourself" does not acknowledge any of the information I have already put forward, nor anything about them that I can then use to personalise my response!

So what do I reply to such a comment? Although I get a little annoyed (sometimes quite annoyed) about this statement, I often pick one or two things such as work and a hobby (that I have already mentioned on my profile). I introduce each thing by talking a little about myself and then reflect a question back to the person on a similar topic.  I usually even flick across to their profile, pull something out and ask about it to end the email, just to add something a little more novel. This usually brings forth a satisfactory response.

Although initially I get a rise when seeing this question, once the ball is rolling things usually pick up in further contact. I have come to acknowledge that the creativity and thoughtfulness required in sending the ultimate first email is in low abundance in the online dating world.

Like I said, I am in two minds about "tell me about yourself" and my responses range from ambivalence to frustration, depending how much energy I can be bothered putting towards it. I guess when I attribute laziness to the question it feeds into frustration, whereas, if I assume social incompetence I cope a little better. I don't know that either of those things is particularly desirable to me though.

I do know that I look forward to the times where the question isn't asked... where I am surprised by what I open up in my inbox. I enjoy it when I am not making escape plans... where the first pull of that fishing line is captivating. When it really does happen it will be a nice surprise!

Note: What really bugs me even more is when the replier answers my questions only minimally (hence not providing further footing for a good conversation) or adds "so what do you want to know about me?"! Talk about handing over all responsibility for meaningful dialogue! Who can be bothered always having to create a meaningful scaffold for interaction! Not me. Especially after a working week full of it as my job! At this point the communication is pretty far gone. My next reply is usually an email including the line "I am sorry, I don't think things will work out between us." It may close down my opportunities a little but it certainly helps with my frustration levels.

Rant over!

The Irish Guy

On first contact The Irish Guy sent a brief email talking about his time in Australia. Like many emails I get I was thrown the line "tell me something about yourself". I get this a lot and feel varying degrees of frustration to it (I discuss my opinions about this line in another blog).  Through email I found out a little bit about him. He was excited by and very fond of Australia.  Professionally, he previously wanted to work in human services helping people but couldn't disengage from work. He became a consulting professional in a different industry instead. We emailed and decided to have phone contact soon after.

The first phone call was wonderful. Although his accent was not strong (a bit of a disappointment for me), we spoke for hours. The biggest thing I was impressed with was his comment on my writing style. He identified that I responded to what he wrote, added some related information about myself and then asked another related question of him. It is nice to have my efforts acknowledged. It also suggested that he was a good communicator. After two and a half weeks we decided to meet up.

The first date
I suggested we grab my toboggan and head up to the snow. He preferred to meet for coffee first (my feeling about this discussed in another blog).  He had gone down to the morning market to meet up with friends beforehand. I was moving a chest of drawers while my friend was not using her ute. I managed to pick up the drawers and get them into the car but then came the dilemma of getting them out of the ute into my unit. I decided to give him a call. His friends had bailed on him in the morning so he was more than happy to help. I picked him up on the way past, we moved the drawers (which gave him a good opportunity to flex his man muscles), grabbed a coffee, and then decided  it was sufficiently pleasant enough to go for lunch too.

We joked and laughed through lunch. It was a welcome change to my usual date experience. He also made it very clear that he will not let me pay for anything and would be offended should I not allow him to cover the date. Another nice change (I did buy dessert though to make myself feel better for not paying my way). I have to admit, The Irish Guy so far was the best date I had come across.

Second Date
We decided to catch up again for lunch on a work day. We worked in relatively close proximity so we met in the middle and grabbed a meal. I have to admit, I had spoken with a friend in between date 1 and 2. She had me questioning the visa status in case he was looking to get hitched. It was the only question I aimed to have answered on date two. We chatted about work and our week so far. And I found out that he is in the country on a skilled working visa. That means there are no restrictions on him to stay in the country. We discussed the next date. He was having to do some work but keen on catching up on the Sunday anyway (time permitting). We finished our meals and he kissed me goodbye. There was a spark of chemistry. Things were looking very good.

Third Date
At around 11am on Sunday I messaged him, letting him know I was heading to the gym (and would by definition be busy for the next couple of hours). I asked how his work was going and to let me know about afternoon tea or dinner. 1 hour later I got a reply. "Will do". It didn't tell me how his work was going (and whether or not we looked to be catching up), which by this point he would have surely known. I don't like feeling as though I am chasing someone so I didn't reply. At 7:30pm I got a second message. It said "I am still working and not likely to catch up for dinner". No shit Sherlock!  I had already eaten and settled in for the night. I wished him the best with his work (but remained dirty about the lack of information he provided).

We ended up doing lunch again on a work day as the actual 3rd date. We did pleasantries. I was struggling letting go the previous mishap and was going to raise it when he said "thanks for being so understanding about last weekend". It annoyed me that he had raised it in that way. Given we had only really just met I didn't want to push too much anyway, but after a thank-you it was too tricky to raise my concerns. So I didn't push the topic.

Then things started taking a turn for the worse. For me, when there is something that is not sitting well with me, what I notice is physical characteristics. Someone who looked otherwise okay at this point will become a little strange, their features drawing my attention and focus. I noticed this guys face. His features appeared to be smooshed into the middle of his head. There was a lot of head each side of his face.

He kissed me goodbye but this time the spark was gone... in its place, a small amount or bitterness (and a whole lot of head coming toward and away from me).

We met one last time. I wasn't un-excited to be meeting up, I just wasn't excited either. We had a lovely dinner, then I dropped him off home. I met up with a friend the next day. She asked me what I liked about him. My reply was:
1. He is Irish (and has an Irish accent).
2. He the nicest/most normal guy I have come across through the internet dating site.
3. He pays for meals.

She decided that it was not a good sign. Through the conversation it was decided that an acceptable answer to this question in future, indicating a good partner, would meet 4 criteria:
1. I love their mind.
2. I love their body/face/appearance.
3. They love my mind.
4. They love my body/face/appearance.

I texted him during the week, asking him how it was going and hoping that work was less busy. He responded with "mad busy but I getting through it". I considered this a little dismissive so I let it go, not expecting to hear from him again... or caring too much about it. Two weeks letter I got a text apologising for not being in touch. I thanked him and called it as I saw it - lack of interest. He replied stating that it definately wasn't for a lack of interest, but rather lack of time. I guess my initial thoughts about him being a good communicator were off. If he were, he would probably have spent the extra 30 secs to say as much in earlier messages Or Maybe he would not have left it two weeks.

I have often reflected on the third date mishap and its impact on my feelings for Mr. Irish. Had we caught up on the Sunday, would that spark have been kindled? If it had have been date 4 or 5 would it have mattered so much? Maybe I would still be seeing the Irish Guy now.

Maybe the reality is that timing (and communication) can be everything.

Bad Driver vs. the Norm Curve

I heard this great analogy recently in relation to driving (and dancing). If you are sitting in traffic complaining because everyone else appears to be a bad driver, then maybe the reality is that it’s not them but you. I reflect on this point and the normal curve in relation to myself, my chronic singledom and internet dating.

Here is the normal curve:

Most population statistics lie in a normal distribution with the majority of people around a central point that peters out to both sides. Say this graph above is plotting all-rounded excellence in a partner for me (including things such as life experience, education, confidence, social skills as well as any other things you look for in a partner). On this distribution, the further right you go, the better the qualities of someone at that point are. Around the middle, the people might be good at some things but terrible at others or they might just be mediocre at everything. The people whose qualities put them in those end regions (higher or lower), share the experience with a lot fewer people.

To demonstrate this notion let’s take the graph above but pick a more specific trait, such as intelligence. Say I am where the star is, in the 3^rd standard deviation and on the high side of average (I have spent 10 years of my life learning about human behaviour and working with people so it is only a bit of a stretch). Take a normal population of 100 people for this quality.  If intelligence is distributed in a normal curve, of those 100 people there are only likely to be 2.3% of people (that is 2.3 people) that have same IQ, or a higher one. The problem arises if I would prefer a partner at my own level as this limits my options quite dramatically. So of 100 people where I make up one of those there is only likely to be 1.3 more people of the same caliber.

So am I really up there on that normal curve or am I just a victim of my own bad driving? As a scientist at heart I like to consider the evidence for each theory before ruling anything out (and I realise anecdotal evidence is the worst kind but this is just a blog ;).

Normal Curve

I was watching a video for my professional development recently presented by Tony Attwood and in it (much to my disappointment) he presented a very similar curve (I swear this one was drawn up first!). He started with IQ (intelligence) and then used the same curve to discuss social and emotional competence. He quoted that in the high competence range (much to my disappointment again) women trump men in numbers, similarly, men outnumber females in the very low competence range (I am afraid I don't have a reference for this information). My disappointment stems from the realisation that not only are there few people up this end of the curve, but the other person there is likely to be a female! Now I have no problem with females but it does make it a little harder when a family (a child) is an expected part of the future picture.

What this says about the normal curve for men on social and emotional competence is that the distribution is skewed. The mass of the distribution is concentrated on the left of the figure (lower social and emotional competence). There are even less men in the high end! What that means is that it would not be unusual for me to meet socially incompetent male partners almost all of the time.

I usually get asked on a second date (even if I thought the first was terrible). That has got to be a big one in favour of me and the norm curve!

Bad Driver

I won't lie to you. I am far from perfect. I cry when I see nice things such as an old lady help another old lady across the road. I laugh when people trip or slip over (but can hide it well when I have to). I love cheese, whisky and wine (often to excess). I sing badly and do it in the shower and car frequently. I can be grumpy and down on myself (but am aware enough to let others know this before they walk in the firing line). I have a hard time making big purchases (10 years of being a student solidified). I can spend too much time and energy on work, hobbies (such as writing my blog), friends or dancing. I love doing outdoor physical activity but hate it when it is hard or when there is too much up-hill. I can be too analytical (wanting to talk through things) and I have trouble leaving the therapist at the door.  The reality is that I am not perfect. No one is. 

Conclusion
I guess like everyone, I really hope it is a case of the normal curve in action. I admit that at times I might also be considered to be doing some bad driving but we all do crazy things from time to time. I am not looking for Mr. Perfect. I am looking for someone that fits with my world views and direction. Someone who I feel comfortable and at ease around. I am looking for someone that notices when I am stressed or upset and is able to offer support. Most of all, I am looking for someone I can laugh with. Maybe I am looking in the wrong place and will never find my match online. Maybe I just have to get through the 100 people before I find one who suits me.

Mr. English

On first contact Mr. English was turned down. In fact he actually annoyed me. Through a series of communications however, we ended up chatting on the phone and meeting up in a relatively quick time frame. It all played out as follows.

He had no information on his profile and I made a note of selecting that reply kiss that spelt out "PUT SOMETHING IN YOUR PROFILE". He replied with an email.

Him (first email): "I agree, I do need to update my profile but thought it would be more personal if I sent you an email in the meantime" (he also included his email in case it cost me to reply). 
Me: "Thanks for the email. No stamps needed to reply. I don't tend to reply to people with nothing in their profile as I don't have anything about them to go on."
Him: "Sorry about that, I really should add some improvements to my profile.  Hopefully there will be some more info on there for when you return"
Me: "Well I checked your profile and there doesn't seem to be much more up there!"
Him: "First of all, I apologise for not doing some improvements to my profile.  I had a few unexpected things come up over the weekend.  Unfortunately, I had to help my sister-in-law move some of her mum's furniture as she's just been permanently admitted to a care home.  Sad I know, but I'm sure it's for the best.  So as for my weekend, it was quite emotional for all concerned but hey, it's Monday and hopefully the start to a great week!"

At this point I ended up just chatting with him through email. As it turns out he was a fully qualified mechanical engineer. He had recently moved across from the Northern Territory and was living with family members. He seemed alright. His spelling a grammar couldn't be faulted. He also got a couple of bonus points for being new in town (counts towards answering the 'why is this person single?' question that I ask myself).

He phoned me one night before I was heading off for a short holiday. He no longer had an English accent but asserted that he still had his British wit and sense of humour. I told him not to work himself up too much as there is further to fall. Throughout the call he didn't say anything that made me laugh (wit and humour looking a little unlikely) but there was nothing awkward about the conversation either. Since I was going to be away we decided to meet for breakfast before I took off (this would save me feeling a need to continue communication if there was nothing there).

So I walked in at the time we had planned to meet. I looked around and the cafe was full. No one was looking at the door expectantly. I looked across at one man on his own. He had a coffee in hand. He looked back at me blankly. I wasn't sure if it was him or not (there was only one small and relatively poor photo on his profile). I had told him I was going to be wearing a flower in my hair (as I always do) and assumed he would recognise me from the many photos I had on my profile. Nope. I had to go up and ask if it was him. It was. He looked okay, but not as good as the photo originally suggested.

The first thing I noticed about this guy was his teeth.

They were coffee coloured, crooked and had gaps where teeth were missing. I didn't think it was possible but one of his central incisors was in the middle of his mouth and on a diagonal. No word of a lie here!  I pictured my future kids with faces full or crooked, brown teeth and was immediately put off. Looking past his teeth (or trying to) we moved into conversation while deciding on breakfast.

I asked how the trip in had been this morning (he had travelled in from quite a distance). He then launched into telling me about his radar detector that allows him to speed and avoid speed cameras. He had made it in with record time. I don't think it occurred to him that his reckless driving would be problematic when he was being considered for more than a temporary citizen. He had also been in two motorcycle accidents (might explain the teeth?) and was keen to continue riding once he shipped his bikes across.

The next topic of conversation was a great improvement (sarcasm). He discussed his detest of old people's homes. He mentioned that he didn't like their smell, their dark and dreariness, and all the old people dribbling on their shoulders. I was feeling a little offended by his comments and replied with some positive statement about the potential of retirement homes. He then acknowledged that I worked in health and stopped talking.

I decided to create the next topic of conversation. I picked something safe... television and favourite shows. I don't watch much general TV so I am pretty limited to what others give and recommend. He loved TV. His favourite programs were 'Everybody Loves Raymond' (I hate that show) and a show on clairvoyance and mediums. He lost a number of points here. He proceeded to discuss the uncanny ability of mediums to just "know things that know one else can know". His favourite was John Edward. Now I am pretty open minded, but definitely keep in mind all evidence when considering something like mediums and clairvoyants. I discussed theories around hot an cold readings, as well as the finding that John Edward had been found collecting information about the audience before his shows (hot readings). I brought up the low rate of dead people located by mediums and the vague nature of any information they do provide. My date re-asserted "but there is just some things they know that no one else does". I gave up on this conversation.

Breakfast was nice and I got my coffee. From a distance I couldn't help but notice the bad breath (probably resultant from the rotting teeth) every time he talked in my direction. I moved into a more laid back (and away) position to avoid getting a better whiff. While I was sitting there listening, I was watching this guy start to look more and more like Steve Buscemi. The eyes were similar, bulging slightly with crows feet underneath. The teeth probably played into this image as well.

I am not sure what exactly led to my decision to proceed no further with this guy. It was probably a combination of the breath and teeth, the awkward conversation, the risk-taking and the fact that he was living with family and not holding a job. He refused to take my money and paid for breakfast. I slipped some money into his pocket so that I didn't feel bad.

My final email to him was as follows:
While we still have credit to contact I just wanted to thank you for the other morning. I don't think it will work out between us but best of luck in your search. 

By the way, you still haven't put any information in your profile. You might get a better reply rate if you do. It shows that you are willing to put the energy in to putting yourself out there. It also shows that you have nothing to hide.

I hope all is going well with your family and life. Take care

Maybe it was  a little out of line to continue telling him that he needed to update his profile but I felt it was an important thing. Most women who I have spoken to that also internet date have stated that they do not accept contact from men with no details on their profile. He eventually replied to my email, thanking me and noting that he owed me $10. I told him to keep it for his next date.

Catch Me If You Can

When someone lies to you and steals more from you in a year than you actually earned what do you do? This blog is the follow-up to 'The Fraud' and details my journey, actions and decisions after such a relationship.

After my relationship with Stephen ended I found out a whole bunch of information about him. I found out that he had remained active on internet dating sites (at least two) throughout most of the relationship, he had bought my "diamond" cubic zirconium engagement ring on my credit card (at least it was cheap), at least four other women had been equally conned and scammed by him and he had been investigated for business fraud but no conclusion had been drawn on this. He also lied and concealed facts and information in his attempts to get me back.

In attempting to get me back Stephen promised a number of times both face-to-face and over email that he would pay all the money back. This was so I could see that he is changing for the better. I saw a bit of money. As expected, Stephen eventually stopped paying (I say eventually, it was actually after 3 weeks at about the same time he started dating a friend of a friend of mine). After this point I just heard one lie and excuse after another. I got sick of it pretty quickly. Being friendly and courteous was achieving nothing.

At this point I informed him that I was being forced to take alternative action. I followed through on my threats. I emailed every internet dating site on the first 6 pages of a google search. I told them his name, what he did, and the risks to their customers if he was on their site. A few sites responded, including one that he was a member on. The other site he was on said they couldn't help. I also took it to the police.

As it turns out, if someone steals from you and then says they will pay you back, the police can do NOTHING. That's right, nothing. This handy little fact is something that would have been nice to know before pegging my hopes on the law to uphold justice. It was a crushing moment when I was informed that they couldn't help. So what was left? Well, the only other avenue left to me was through the civil courts. So that is where I took it!

I decided to go for two things. The first was a restraining order prohibiting him to threaten me. As this is Stephen's way of proving his untruths (threatening until others back down) I felt it necessary to prevent this. He had been financially and psychologically abusing me and I wanted to prevent any more of it occurring. I also wanted a fail safe in case he did do something. This would protect me but also result in him committing a chargeable offence in the eyes of the law.

The other thing I went for was my money. I collected and printed up all my bank statements and email exchanges with Stephen. I sought advice and I prepared. I won by default (he never contested it) which means I never had to represent myself as planned, but I was ready for it all anyway. Unfortunately it is never that easy though. In the court's eyes you can be found right and the other wrong but that is only one part of the problem. The biggest issue was that each time Stephen needed to be served the new paperwork.

The first lot of paperwork was easy. I knew where he worked, a major supermarket chain where he stacks shelves. There are a number of occasions where I pictured (in my head) walking up behind him and shoving his head into the dairy cabinet. I guess that is just a symbol of how much anger I had found for Stephen. I am not that violent in real life. Serving the first lot of papers was a nice compromise by me. As I handed Stephen the papers (while he was at work), I stated "you have just been served!". I felt pretty cool doing it too.

The next part of the process was trying to get my money back. This was a few months down the track. I knew where he worked so that was all fine but I needed someone else to serve him more papers.... this was the part that held things up. I was advised that it was better to send papers by registered post or have someone else serve my ex-fiance in relation to getting money (the garnishee paperwork). I tried posting the paperwork to Stephen by registered post. As I should have expected, he never picked up the letter. For starters he never carries his wallet or ID on him. He would have needed these to get his mail. The letter was returned to me a few weeks later.

I hired a process server.

My process server/PI was on the case... for months and months and months! I am not sure if Stephen is just elusive or the process server had really bad timing but it started getting ridiculous. After a couple more months I decided to take matters back into my own hands. What I did was called in to his work at every opportunity. I would do my shopping and hope for the day I happened to bump into him again. I was beginning to think he had moved on and there was no hope. I never saw him and neither did my process server. Then came the day.

The day.
It was just a regular day in the life of me. I had gone to work, gone to the gym, and I was pissed off because a new bill had to be paid. At this point in my life most expenses reminded me of the money that had been stolen from me and of how angry I was at Stephen. So in order to self-soothe my temper, I went shopping. I bought a few new clothes on clearance (a good bargain always helps cheer me up a bit) and called into Coles to get a few food items to indulge in later. I had made it around the whole store and was on my way out when he walked past me. This was it. I felt the physiological effects of the adrenalin that went storming around my body. My hands became shaky, my heart racing. I was ready for this. My day had just gone from dull to golden.

As soon as I could find the number in my phone I phoned up my process server. We spoke in code, in case Stephen was listening to  me (and let's face it, it is fun to talk this way). My process server was there in under 15 minutes. I stood outside the store and I watched. Similar to a previous scene that I had been involved in, the paperwork was handed to Stephen. I am not sure whether or not Stephen was told he had just been served (I had thrown that in for dramatic effect only) but it was still a beautiful moment. This moment, when Stephen was served the garnishee paperwork is the one point in this journey where I finally felt I had succeeded. The battle was finally over for me. I had won.

I shared a bonding moment with my process server out the front of the store (we hugged, we shook hands and we rejoiced in the victory. It was beautiful) and then went about the rest of my life.

Recovery
It was a tough 12 months of fighting. I was earning a full time wage but still living like a student. I was single and mourning the loss of a future I had been wanting and holding on to (to the point that I had failed to see the reality of the situation). My friends were a huge source of strength at this time. My friends listened to me talk through the process, heard out my disappointments and congratulated my wins. A notable mention is one friend who was there to give me a congratulatory hug every time I won or achieved a part of the court process or served some papers. Thanks Bryce. Those hugs meant a lot to me and I still think about the moments and smile.

In the other parts of my life I poured my time and energy into my work. It was a good distraction. In doing so I managed to stumble along, clear my debts and wipe the slate clean.

At the end of this time I finally saw some money from Stephen too. At about the 12 month point, 1 year since finding my accounts overdrawn and cleared out by Stephen, I was seeing some of it returned. I got an initial lump sum, and I continue to get a monthly payment equalling 20% of his pay, garnished before he has chance to even see it. I will continue getting this money until he resigns or skips town. It isn't much but it is a dollar that he doesn't have to help him manufacture the next lie and rip off the next person. It is a dollar back in my pocket that he stole from me, under the guise of love and trust.

 

I re-commenced internet dating. I am a little warier and a little wiser these days and I listen to my gut instinct more than ever but I still trust people. I stand my ground a little firmer and will more quickly  say goodbye to someone when things aren't right. I have let go of the future I was so desperate for and opened up a new direction to focus on. My aim now is to get some experience and then volunteer my clinical skills overseas. It is achievable. If someone comes along in the meantime that may all change but I am no longer waiting around for it to happen. I am in control of my life and I am happy.




Note:
Since writing this blog post friends bumped into him, finding out that he was about to move to QLD with his new fiance. He is on the move again, isolating his partner from her friends and family, and creating hopes of a happily ever after that is built on deception and lies. It was only a matter of time. I am assuming the engagement is only recent because his profile was still active (with recent visits) on an internet dating site until a month or so ago. My friends attempted to get word to Stephen's new fiance to inform her of the truth about him (through the grapevine). It is the last thing I have in my power that can actually make a difference. I hope she at least has the power to make a fully informed decision now!