Bad Driver vs. the Norm Curve

I heard this great analogy recently in relation to driving (and dancing). If you are sitting in traffic complaining because everyone else appears to be a bad driver, then maybe the reality is that it’s not them but you. I reflect on this point and the normal curve in relation to myself, my chronic singledom and internet dating.

Here is the normal curve:

Most population statistics lie in a normal distribution with the majority of people around a central point that peters out to both sides. Say this graph above is plotting all-rounded excellence in a partner for me (including things such as life experience, education, confidence, social skills as well as any other things you look for in a partner). On this distribution, the further right you go, the better the qualities of someone at that point are. Around the middle, the people might be good at some things but terrible at others or they might just be mediocre at everything. The people whose qualities put them in those end regions (higher or lower), share the experience with a lot fewer people.

To demonstrate this notion let’s take the graph above but pick a more specific trait, such as intelligence. Say I am where the star is, in the 3^rd standard deviation and on the high side of average (I have spent 10 years of my life learning about human behaviour and working with people so it is only a bit of a stretch). Take a normal population of 100 people for this quality.  If intelligence is distributed in a normal curve, of those 100 people there are only likely to be 2.3% of people (that is 2.3 people) that have same IQ, or a higher one. The problem arises if I would prefer a partner at my own level as this limits my options quite dramatically. So of 100 people where I make up one of those there is only likely to be 1.3 more people of the same caliber.

So am I really up there on that normal curve or am I just a victim of my own bad driving? As a scientist at heart I like to consider the evidence for each theory before ruling anything out (and I realise anecdotal evidence is the worst kind but this is just a blog ;).

Normal Curve

I was watching a video for my professional development recently presented by Tony Attwood and in it (much to my disappointment) he presented a very similar curve (I swear this one was drawn up first!). He started with IQ (intelligence) and then used the same curve to discuss social and emotional competence. He quoted that in the high competence range (much to my disappointment again) women trump men in numbers, similarly, men outnumber females in the very low competence range (I am afraid I don't have a reference for this information). My disappointment stems from the realisation that not only are there few people up this end of the curve, but the other person there is likely to be a female! Now I have no problem with females but it does make it a little harder when a family (a child) is an expected part of the future picture.

What this says about the normal curve for men on social and emotional competence is that the distribution is skewed. The mass of the distribution is concentrated on the left of the figure (lower social and emotional competence). There are even less men in the high end! What that means is that it would not be unusual for me to meet socially incompetent male partners almost all of the time.

I usually get asked on a second date (even if I thought the first was terrible). That has got to be a big one in favour of me and the norm curve!

Bad Driver

I won't lie to you. I am far from perfect. I cry when I see nice things such as an old lady help another old lady across the road. I laugh when people trip or slip over (but can hide it well when I have to). I love cheese, whisky and wine (often to excess). I sing badly and do it in the shower and car frequently. I can be grumpy and down on myself (but am aware enough to let others know this before they walk in the firing line). I have a hard time making big purchases (10 years of being a student solidified). I can spend too much time and energy on work, hobbies (such as writing my blog), friends or dancing. I love doing outdoor physical activity but hate it when it is hard or when there is too much up-hill. I can be too analytical (wanting to talk through things) and I have trouble leaving the therapist at the door.  The reality is that I am not perfect. No one is. 

Conclusion
I guess like everyone, I really hope it is a case of the normal curve in action. I admit that at times I might also be considered to be doing some bad driving but we all do crazy things from time to time. I am not looking for Mr. Perfect. I am looking for someone that fits with my world views and direction. Someone who I feel comfortable and at ease around. I am looking for someone that notices when I am stressed or upset and is able to offer support. Most of all, I am looking for someone I can laugh with. Maybe I am looking in the wrong place and will never find my match online. Maybe I just have to get through the 100 people before I find one who suits me.