"Insanely spontaneous plastic surgeon simply wondered if madam could be tempted with a lovely massage this evening!!!!! Nothing sordid jusy 75 mins of free relaxation"
"Its nothing sordid. I do neck back bum thighs legs feet tum and chest, quite firm and takes around 75 mins. I have an evening off work thankfully and love giving massage, no catch just a keen amateur having done several courses! Happy to come to you, just occasionally a leap of faith is needed!"
Well that settles it. There mustn't be anything awry with what this person was proposing, just with my faith in leaping into the evidently skilled and professional hands of a stranger. I continued to push. No one does something for nothing and my instincts were telling me that there was much more to this**.
Given my curiosity and my hesitations*** I asked what he was getting out of the offer and suggested meeting in a public location near his place. To that he reported that his mother and niece were currently visiting from the UK. He followed this with:
"I WAS going to try an cadge a massage exchange. I would be massaged all day if I could!!!!! I understand your perspective, it DOES need a little leap of faith as I said, you'd be welcome here but my mother and niece may be a slight distraction."
He sure likes his capitals and exclamation marks. By this point I wasn't feeling comfortable about the situation** but thought that verifying his identity would make me feel a little more at ease.
"I have to be careful and could find my details on the front page of the paper! I have an MA, a DPhil and MCRS and FRCS and even an FRACS, I even went through 18 months of vetting at Vauxhall Bridge but just now as I said a little mutual trust is needed, not credentialing!"
I don't know about you but I am not sure what half of that means. Listing off a few acronyms in an indignant way doesn't encourage trust or make the guy seem more endearing, regardless of whether or not he is a registered professional. I called it. I apologised for offending him and told him that I wasn't comfortable meeting him. I suggested he enjoy his time with his visitors. Then he messaged again.
"I enjoy massage and there is a sexual edge but I am in a relationship and this is extra curricular hence why I cannot risk exposure! Happy to meet somewhere and have a kiss and cuddle lol I am direct but 110% honest"
"I can come to you now! If you want to indulge totally I can bring you do a nice gentle orgasm with my massage"
110% honest alright. From the very minute he started messaging me. I wonder if his wife/partner knows how "honest" he is to others. In any case I had already tapped out by this point. The aggressive / defensive / desperate interaction style doesn't really do it for me. I also have a general rule of avoiding cheaters. I politely declined with the following:
In all honesty I keep myself fairly busy. I don't have time to give to something that has no possibility of more. I am sure you have your reasons for seeking intimacy outside of your relationship but I am not comfortable knowingly hurting someone. I am also not interested in intimacy with someone who is comfortable doing that. I hope you are able to restore whatever it is that you are not currently getting from your relationship or can find the courage to face it, call it as it is and start again. Good luck with it.
He replied with a simple "patronising lol". I didn't return a message. After another couple of days I decided to block him. I had given this guy too much of my time as it is. Two weeks later, moving to a whole new level of creepy I received a message from a new profile. This one had a new name and fewer details. The location was a different city to the one I live. It was his photo. He only wrote one word. "Massage?"** I blocked him. Immediately. He had gone to quite a bit of effort to send that message. That is calculated creepy right there. Not the kind of person I want to indulge any more than I already had.
There are many things that bothered me about this guy but the one that really comes to my mind is the use and abuse of power. Being a plastic surgeon^ does not grant any special privilege. I just wish that was the whole truth though. The reality is that we live in a society that does define some as better than others. Slavery still exists, despite our 1st world status. Women have still not achieved equal status to their male counterparts. There are power differences in most kinds of relationships including the intimate ones we form with a partner and in the work based professional relationships we hold. Working one job rather than another doesn't make someone any better a person or any more entitled to things. A professional standing doesn't (or at least shouldn't) forgive anyone of ill deeds, especially against another human. Your actions matter, regardless of who or what you are. And it is never okay to use and abuse people^^.
I strive to be aware of power differentials in my work as well as my everyday life. I'm not perfect but I actively try to be considerate of others. I just wish we lived in a world where all people were held accountable to their actions, especially when it comes to the abuse of power and of other people.
* The italicised quotes are almost exactly as they were at the time of communication (minus the occasional identifying word).
** A few red flags were going up.
*** And my propensity for risk taking and sometimes less than thought out decisions in the name of spontaneity and "why not?"
^ if in fact he actually is one
^^ I would argue that actively seeking out someone to cheat on your partner with is a behaviour that falls under this category.
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