Catch Me If You Can

When someone lies to you and steals more from you in a year than you actually earned what do you do? This blog is the follow-up to 'The Fraud' and details my journey, actions and decisions after such a relationship.

After my relationship with Stephen ended I found out a whole bunch of information about him. I found out that he had remained active on internet dating sites (at least two) throughout most of the relationship, he had bought my "diamond" cubic zirconium engagement ring on my credit card (at least it was cheap), at least four other women had been equally conned and scammed by him and he had been investigated for business fraud but no conclusion had been drawn on this. He also lied and concealed facts and information in his attempts to get me back.

In attempting to get me back Stephen promised a number of times both face-to-face and over email that he would pay all the money back. This was so I could see that he is changing for the better. I saw a bit of money. As expected, Stephen eventually stopped paying (I say eventually, it was actually after 3 weeks at about the same time he started dating a friend of a friend of mine). After this point I just heard one lie and excuse after another. I got sick of it pretty quickly. Being friendly and courteous was achieving nothing.

At this point I informed him that I was being forced to take alternative action. I followed through on my threats. I emailed every internet dating site on the first 6 pages of a google search. I told them his name, what he did, and the risks to their customers if he was on their site. A few sites responded, including one that he was a member on. The other site he was on said they couldn't help. I also took it to the police.

As it turns out, if someone steals from you and then says they will pay you back, the police can do NOTHING. That's right, nothing. This handy little fact is something that would have been nice to know before pegging my hopes on the law to uphold justice. It was a crushing moment when I was informed that they couldn't help. So what was left? Well, the only other avenue left to me was through the civil courts. So that is where I took it!

I decided to go for two things. The first was a restraining order prohibiting him to threaten me. As this is Stephen's way of proving his untruths (threatening until others back down) I felt it necessary to prevent this. He had been financially and psychologically abusing me and I wanted to prevent any more of it occurring. I also wanted a fail safe in case he did do something. This would protect me but also result in him committing a chargeable offence in the eyes of the law.

The other thing I went for was my money. I collected and printed up all my bank statements and email exchanges with Stephen. I sought advice and I prepared. I won by default (he never contested it) which means I never had to represent myself as planned, but I was ready for it all anyway. Unfortunately it is never that easy though. In the court's eyes you can be found right and the other wrong but that is only one part of the problem. The biggest issue was that each time Stephen needed to be served the new paperwork.

The first lot of paperwork was easy. I knew where he worked, a major supermarket chain where he stacks shelves. There are a number of occasions where I pictured (in my head) walking up behind him and shoving his head into the dairy cabinet. I guess that is just a symbol of how much anger I had found for Stephen. I am not that violent in real life. Serving the first lot of papers was a nice compromise by me. As I handed Stephen the papers (while he was at work), I stated "you have just been served!". I felt pretty cool doing it too.

The next part of the process was trying to get my money back. This was a few months down the track. I knew where he worked so that was all fine but I needed someone else to serve him more papers.... this was the part that held things up. I was advised that it was better to send papers by registered post or have someone else serve my ex-fiance in relation to getting money (the garnishee paperwork). I tried posting the paperwork to Stephen by registered post. As I should have expected, he never picked up the letter. For starters he never carries his wallet or ID on him. He would have needed these to get his mail. The letter was returned to me a few weeks later.

I hired a process server.

My process server/PI was on the case... for months and months and months! I am not sure if Stephen is just elusive or the process server had really bad timing but it started getting ridiculous. After a couple more months I decided to take matters back into my own hands. What I did was called in to his work at every opportunity. I would do my shopping and hope for the day I happened to bump into him again. I was beginning to think he had moved on and there was no hope. I never saw him and neither did my process server. Then came the day.

The day.
It was just a regular day in the life of me. I had gone to work, gone to the gym, and I was pissed off because a new bill had to be paid. At this point in my life most expenses reminded me of the money that had been stolen from me and of how angry I was at Stephen. So in order to self-soothe my temper, I went shopping. I bought a few new clothes on clearance (a good bargain always helps cheer me up a bit) and called into Coles to get a few food items to indulge in later. I had made it around the whole store and was on my way out when he walked past me. This was it. I felt the physiological effects of the adrenalin that went storming around my body. My hands became shaky, my heart racing. I was ready for this. My day had just gone from dull to golden.

As soon as I could find the number in my phone I phoned up my process server. We spoke in code, in case Stephen was listening to  me (and let's face it, it is fun to talk this way). My process server was there in under 15 minutes. I stood outside the store and I watched. Similar to a previous scene that I had been involved in, the paperwork was handed to Stephen. I am not sure whether or not Stephen was told he had just been served (I had thrown that in for dramatic effect only) but it was still a beautiful moment. This moment, when Stephen was served the garnishee paperwork is the one point in this journey where I finally felt I had succeeded. The battle was finally over for me. I had won.

I shared a bonding moment with my process server out the front of the store (we hugged, we shook hands and we rejoiced in the victory. It was beautiful) and then went about the rest of my life.

Recovery
It was a tough 12 months of fighting. I was earning a full time wage but still living like a student. I was single and mourning the loss of a future I had been wanting and holding on to (to the point that I had failed to see the reality of the situation). My friends were a huge source of strength at this time. My friends listened to me talk through the process, heard out my disappointments and congratulated my wins. A notable mention is one friend who was there to give me a congratulatory hug every time I won or achieved a part of the court process or served some papers. Thanks Bryce. Those hugs meant a lot to me and I still think about the moments and smile.

In the other parts of my life I poured my time and energy into my work. It was a good distraction. In doing so I managed to stumble along, clear my debts and wipe the slate clean.

At the end of this time I finally saw some money from Stephen too. At about the 12 month point, 1 year since finding my accounts overdrawn and cleared out by Stephen, I was seeing some of it returned. I got an initial lump sum, and I continue to get a monthly payment equalling 20% of his pay, garnished before he has chance to even see it. I will continue getting this money until he resigns or skips town. It isn't much but it is a dollar that he doesn't have to help him manufacture the next lie and rip off the next person. It is a dollar back in my pocket that he stole from me, under the guise of love and trust.

 

I re-commenced internet dating. I am a little warier and a little wiser these days and I listen to my gut instinct more than ever but I still trust people. I stand my ground a little firmer and will more quickly  say goodbye to someone when things aren't right. I have let go of the future I was so desperate for and opened up a new direction to focus on. My aim now is to get some experience and then volunteer my clinical skills overseas. It is achievable. If someone comes along in the meantime that may all change but I am no longer waiting around for it to happen. I am in control of my life and I am happy.




Note:
Since writing this blog post friends bumped into him, finding out that he was about to move to QLD with his new fiance. He is on the move again, isolating his partner from her friends and family, and creating hopes of a happily ever after that is built on deception and lies. It was only a matter of time. I am assuming the engagement is only recent because his profile was still active (with recent visits) on an internet dating site until a month or so ago. My friends attempted to get word to Stephen's new fiance to inform her of the truth about him (through the grapevine). It is the last thing I have in my power that can actually make a difference. I hope she at least has the power to make a fully informed decision now!