Excuse me Mr.

Okay, so I don't usually do this but today I was feeling in high spirits and opinionated about topics that mean a lot to me. In the middle of the night I received a message from someone on the dating site I frequent. I read it in the morning before riding to work but I couldn't rid myself of some background feeling that I couldn't let it slide. The message itself is completely innocuous. It read as follows:

Hey. I liked your profile so thought I'd send you a message. How are you? How is this dating site treating you so far? I'd love to chat with you sometime. Have a look at my profile and see if you think we might click. I have some pics I can share with you if you would like to see them. 
I look forward to hearing from you soon. :-)

As a general rule I try to reply to anyone that has taken the time to write more than one line to me. When I looked at the profile I was actually left feeling a little insulted. There were a few key points that stood out for me:A time of big changes is upon me and it's time to ... have some fun. Please don't take that as only wanting sex or one night stands. Far from it! I'm just not ready for settling down or falling in love right now.

When asked what he cannot live without, last on the list was "boobs (not my own)". This of course was followed by "I spend a lot of time thinking about boobs. Honestly what man doesn't?"

And finally with you should message me if

you are saying to yourself 'WTF? Is this guy for real?' and you want to find out.

Or if you are wondering if I am as crazy as you are.
And only if you're the kind of person that will not just ignore me after you see a photo of me. Decent people will at least reply and say they're not interested.

Now I don't expect this person to change how he sees the world and how he presents himself. I don't expect him to care about what I don't like or my thoughts on the vast number of topics that we will never discuss. The beauty of digital connections are that I can leave them without regard, and with no connection to a genuine face to face encounter. I can ignore and walk away as I please. In saying all of that I did of course send a reply. Running on the assumption that this person has no idea about the messages he is putting out through his profile I just wanted to clear a thing or two up. I wanted him to know that some things are not okay with me (and I hope with a huge number of other people out there). I decided to reply first thing so I could move on with my day. 

My reply:

Hey there. Thanks for your message. Personally I find internet dating is easier to take it all with a grain of salt. Every now and then I meet someone interesting. I come and go from it as life permits and note that others do too. I try not to take anything too personally. I do notice a different social etiquette on internet forums (which are not the same as face to face). I guess connection through digital means only leaves those connections with a transience that doesn't hold in the same way as genuine personal encounters. I get the impression that you are pretty frustrated by the whole internet dating thing - 'Decent people will at least reply and say they're not interested'. If that is not the case than you might want to reconsider how you phrase that last line in your profile. 

In all honesty I don't think we would be a good match. I have stated some reasons below but feel free to disregard them as you please. Not everyone connects and that is life. 

I like that you have lots of information in your profile but I am always very wary of people that do not include a photo. I guess if I am putting myself out there publicly than I expect the other person to as well. I am very visual (hence all of the photos of me doing things) and have a general rule of not getting into long discussions with people without a photo.

I will just finish on a couple more points. I'd like to keep my options open about kids and I see that you have some already and don't want any more. You also note in your profile that you are just out of two long term relationships and are 'just not ready for settling down or falling in love right now'. Reading my profile you should have seen that 'I am in no hurry and I am not looking for "fun or discreet times" in the meantime' so you do not line up with what I am looking for. 

You also focus on 'boobs' in your profile which I find a little off putting. Although in the right context I have no problem with that (I am far from a prude about sex), I find the sexual objectification of women personally offensive. I am sure you are not intending to come across in any way offensive, but you might want to reconsider that point because without context it is hard to tell. By highlighting a body part, rather than an interest in a person as a whole it suggests that you might not consider women as whole people that should be treated accordingly. That runs against what I believe in, how I approach life and how I like people to approach me. 

Based on those points I am not sure we are looking for the same things or that we would click. There might be someone out there looking for what you have to offer but this is not me. Good luck in your search.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My reply might have been a completely pointless exercise that achieved nothing. I hope in spending that time I have just slightly nudged this person's perception of what is okay and normal. We're not all on the same page. Whatever the insecurities we have about ourselves or our place in the world it is not okay to direct them at others or treat a human being as less than (in this case as being an objectified fragment for sexual gratification). I could have ignored the comments about boobs or the passive aggressive comment on what a decent person is. I just feel that by ignoring comments and statements I am inadvertently condoning them and today I don't want to be that person.