The Fraud

This blog is an important one, not just for me but for anyone out there who is also internet dating. It is the story of a person I fell in love with and out of love with. Of a man who fooled me and others in my life. A man who made me question my life, my values and how strongly I stand by them. A story of a conman who uses 'love' and 'business' to steal from others. This is the blog about a man called Stephen Mellor, born in the UK in the later 70s and currently living in Australia.

Setting the Scene
Around the time that I met Stephen there were some big things happening for me in my life. I was working casually as a support worker, spending a lot of hours on my thesis and getting experience at the University Clinic. My supervisor at the clinic was making my life hell (later having her contract discontinued due to inappropriate professional practices) and my housemate/good friend had gone travelling overseas. I had put on weight due to all of the study I was doing and I was feeling disconnected from the people in my life. I was feeling pretty low all round, and in fact, the lowest I have felt since moving interstate. I was in a bad way and desperate for anything to pull me out of it.

First Contact
Stephen first contacted me through the dating site early on in my internet dating life. He was charming and witty, and most of all he made me laugh. I hadn't laughed in a long time. It was really nice. We emailed, talked on the phone and eventually decided to meet up. His name was 'BritishCharmer' online. He was the first internet dating person that I was really excited to meet.

We were planning to meet up on a Saturday. The time and date was set. An hour before we were supposed to meet up he cancelled on me. He said that he had been delayed because of work and that it had gotten on top of him. We decided to re-schedule for the next day. He said he would give me a call in the morning and let me know what we would be doing. He didn't call. At 4pm I sent him a text message telling him not to bother. I asserted that I was not going to be stuffed around and if he couldn't get his act together to do what he said he would, I wasn't interested. I didn't hear from him again.

Life went on. I continued internet dating, all the while thinking of how I excited I had been to meet "BritishCharmer" and how unappealing most other dates were becoming. Months went by. No one was grabbing my attention. Everyone seemed bland and uninteresting (or if they were interesting it certainly wasn't in a good way). Following a run of dates including 'The Choker' I decided to give up on internet dating and I closed my account down.

Physical Contact
Two weeks after closing my account I got a phone call. It was Stephen on the phone. He was calling to apologise for stuffing me around. He said that he had gone away and sorted himself out, and felt the time was right to contact me again. He said that he had looked for me online but that my profile was no longer up. He stated that if I wasn't already snatched up by Prince Charming, he would love to take me out to make amends. I figured 'what the heck, I will at least get lunch out of him' (this was before "what the heck" was proving to be a bad omen) and I decided to give him a chance.

We met up for a coffee and then we went bowling.  He was  interesting, stylish, funny and different. He was a businessman who was starting his own design company. We talked and laughed the whole time. The hours and hours ticked by without me even noticing.  He was everything I ever thought I wanted and more. I was well and truly swept away. I let myself go with the moment.

As the days went on and on, he wined and he dined me. I felt like the luckiest woman in whole world. He treated me like a princess. He made me feel sexy and intelligent, powerful and feminine all at the same time. I had never felt this way before, and coming out from the dark hole that my life had become, I enjoyed every part of it. I thought I was in love.

As the months went on we had a tiff from time to time but nothing big enough to call it end game. I would feel uneasy about things every now and then but was always able to dismiss these feelings as nothing. We moved in together. We also started looking for somewhere to buy. We put in offers and eventually decided to build on a block of land. I have never owned my own place and was so excited.

After 12 months he proposed to me. He said he had never loved anyone so much or asked anyone to marry him before. He said that there was no one else in the world like me and he wanted this to last forever. I had never been asked if I wanted to marry someone before. I wanted that part of my life to happen. I wanted to feel connected to someone in a meaningful way. I wanted a partner and a family. I wanted to feel like I had a home and something to come home to and although I wasn't aware of what I was really getting into, I said yes.

Changing Times

You know when you live with someone, you don't notice them put on or lose weight because you see them every day. If you only see them once a month it is a different story. You notice the rounding face or the protruding cheek bones. That is how this all played out. A frog in a pot of water, slowly boiling.

I had completed the course-work component of my Masters and it was time to focus on my thesis. I did this. I would get up in the morning, pull out my laptop and sit all day, until I could do no more. The only exception to this was on a Wednesday night, where I would go out swing dancing. Stephen didn't like this very much. He always came along. He said that he was going to spend all of my "time off" with me because he was missing me. I think it was more to keep an eye on me in the end rather than because he actually wanted to dance or be there. It annoyed me but I managed and tolerated it. I couldn't fault him too much on wanting to spend time with me.

Time Pressure
He began complaining that everything wasn't fair on him. He demanded my time and was never happy with any I gave him. I compromised, offering him 1 hour of my precious thesis time per day. I still made breakfast (usually eggs and bacon), lunch and dinner for both of us. He didn't cook. He would come in and eat with me, then declare that it was not fair that I was counting eating time in the hour. I was often thinking that it would be much easier without a partner. I obviously didn't listen to this though. I tried to ignore it, pouring my time and energy into my thesis.

It wasn't bad enough that Stephen was on my back, his parents were as well. They wanted us to go over for dinner once a week. Once a week was more than I wanted to sacrifice. I went a few times. We got there, we were served some slop on the plate and then everyone sat around watching TV. The food was always the same - sausages, frozen veggies drowned in a pot of water, half a kilo of mashed potato and some gravy. I anxiously spent my time thinking about all the thesis I could probably be doing (or could be sitting at home procrastinating about).

Money Matters
It was halfway through my thesis when finances got out of control. My credit card maxed out. I couldn't believe it. If there is one thing I have never let go, it is my handle on money. I had not been working as I was spending most of my time working on my thesis and on Stephen. It wasn't a huge limit so I figured I had been overly distracted by my studies. He offered to take care of it for me so that I didn't have to worry about it while I was stressed about my thesis. He said his business could make the payments. I let him (and why wouldn't I? I trusted him).

Even though he was "taking care of it" I started to get calls from the bank again. Every time we would fight. He would have a reason for why it hadn't been done. He would say that he forgot or that he was waiting on money from a job. My parents had offered me a gift as an engagement/wedding present. They gave me some money. I requested putting it on the credit card to bring down the repayments to something manageable. They did. It took some of the stress off the situation. I didn't hear from the bank for a while.

Trouble Brewing
I took time out from the stress of my thesis and finances every now and then, catching up with friends. Stephen hated it. One of my friends lived around the corner and was a sanctuary when I needed to leave the house. She patiently listened to me complain about all of this stressful things in my life, especially Stephen. It was what I needed. I valued this time like no other. I needed it to process the things happening to me. Stephen would always make a fuss about it. He would call my female friends "trouble maker" and "the devil" and say they were trying to split us up. Alternatively if I was going out to spend time with a male he would say to me that they want me and that he couldn't trust them. Every time I would make it clear to him (in as calm a tone as I could manage at the time) that I was not willing to give up my friends. Every time we fought about it. We fought a lot. I felt sorry for the neighbours.

It didn't matter what I said. He never listened or acknowledged my needs and wants. He would argue that it was not fair that he only got an hour and I would go out for a few with a friend. I went anyway. I needed to. In saying that, I didn't see as many friends at the time, or nearly as frequently as I usually do. It wasn't worth the energy fighting about it all of the time. He would go through my phone as well, always commenting on any texts I received, or any that I sent to others. I was becoming more and more isolated.

At this point I wasn't looking at ending the relationship. I had committed to trying to make it work. I wasn't willing to give up yet. Not until I had done all I could. We had plans, dreams and promises to keep.

I tried to focus on the positive. I made an effort to make it all work. I tried writing down the things we liked about each other, as well as the things we were looking forward to. I spent hours writing down the things we were struggling with, to try and bridge the gap of understanding between us. We also worked on swing dancing moves as something positive to do together.

He became more and more insecure and anxious. He would always point out that I had made a commitment to him and to us. He would ask me if my word meant anything. When he didn't like what I was saying (which was most of the time) he would say that I was purposely speaking in "psychology language" and that he didn't understand it. Every time I would patiently try to explain it differently and got the same response from him. I couldn't win. At this point he was no longer my superhero, bringing me to life. I was just trying to stop us... stop me from drowning.

Some time between a point of bad and worse, I finished my thesis and Stephen had managed to take over my life. I was isolated, had minimal access to my car (and when I did there was no petrol), my phone and my life. We never had money and he always had an excuse for why business was slow (but would assure me it will pick up in no time).  He didn't believe in going to bed during a fight, so he would shake me in the bed to keep me awake (until I agreed with him and I could finally sleep). I wasn't sleeping because we fought all the time. I was so tired.

At this point he never left me alone. Even in the shower I had no space to myself. He would get upset if I didn't want him there and would stand outside the door and talk to me. He would do his martial arts moves towards me and around the house. I can't decide whether it was to show me that he could take control or to help with his insecurities and anxieties. It was probably both. He would stand in my way and prevent me leaving a room. When fighting he would try and force a hug on me. I would push his hands away and ask for space but he wouldn't give it. It got to the point that I would, in colourful language, tell him to back off and leave me alone. He shoved me back once. Twice he even pinned me down, refusing to let me go. I hated it and him! I let him know that if he ever did it to me again we were over. I couldn't understand how I could hate someone that I was in love with.

By this point I honestly didn't realise how far my head was under the water. Friends would comment that Stephen was being weird all the time. He was. He was suspicious of everyone and everything. He assumed most things were an attack against him. He never gave me a moment to myself, especially if anyone else was around. I was exhausted. I spent most of my time dissociated. I heard myself saying things like "I feel like I am being chained up and kept on a leash" but the words didn't connect with thoughts and actions. They were separate to me. I kept telling him to leave, that if he wanted someone to panter to his every need than she is somewhere and someone else. I had nowhere else to go, or at least I didn't feel like I had anywhere. For quite a while I had no energy to do anything else. I could only hope that he would leave.

Realisation

It wasn't until I went to a friends wedding interstate that I realised where things were at. I watched them, so happy and safe together. I looked at Stephen and I and realised it wasn't there for us. I wasn't in love with him. I was only barely tolerating him. He was a source of distress and anxiety for me, not safety and calm. I made a comment to Stephen as I realised this, stating that we weren't a rock. I said (in a somewhat intoxicated disposition) that I needed us to be like my marrying friends before I married him. He must have realised it was ending. He stayed in bed late and when he did get up he acted like a child. He refused to eat or talk with anyone for the rest of the trip. We were staying at my parents place. It was embarrassing.

My mum took one look at me when she saw me and in her first chance to chat with me alone she broached the subject. She asked me where my smile had gone. She asked me where her daughter had gone. It was enough. I realised it was NEVER going to happen with Stephen. I had tried as much as I could and I could try no more. I could finally see how far we'd fallen and it was time to cut the rope and save myself.

The Break-Up
The following weekend I went away to a friend's place in a different part of the state. Stephen insisted on coming with me but I sternly said no. I had used "no" with Stephen very often and he usually didn't let it fly. I made sure it did this time.

It was Saturday morning and I was drinking tea with my friend, talking through my decision to leave Stephen. This friend, Katy, is always available to listen. She has a knack of making things seem better or more manageable, at least for a while. She can make me laugh when I am crying, and make me cry with laughter. I have never met anyone else like her. This is why I had gone there. For respite. For safety. To escape. There was no other place I wanted and needed to be.

A segment on Sexually Transmitted Debt was on the Morning Show in the background. I decided to check my credit cards (knowing there would be a little bit of debt there but not too much). I had let things slide with all the stress that had been on me and thought it a good time to reassess my situation. When I opened my online accounts I realised what was going on.  Stephen had been cash advancing money off my card since it first maxed out. He had taken my trust and used it against me. I went into shock. Katy took over.

 

Stephen had left me with debt larger than I had brought in as total income that year. Within 14 days of my parents putting my engagement/wedding money on there, he had cash advanced it straight off again. I couldn't believe it at first. I really couldn't. I couldn't even decide whether it was bad or not for him to have done it. I was reeling. Katy dragged me out of the house. We went to the police and to Legal Aide. We sought advice on what to do and where to go. I didn't take much in but the thing that was driven home was that he was a perpertrator, and I the victim. It started sinking in. Katy didn't make me laugh that day. Instead, she sat with me while I cried. It was all that I needed.

Katy and her partner put on a 'Christmas in July'. We ate and we drank. I don't know how I did  it (no doubt it involved the alcoholic beverages) but for that night I was merry. It was the last time I felt that way for many months to come.

Stephen had left by the time I returned. Although I had not said anything, he had assumed I'd found out about him. I guess he knew it was all coming. Everything was still in the unit we were renting. Three of my friends came around the minute I saught their help. I went from feeling alone to realising how many people had my back. They helped me pack up my life, everything I owned and had known. I am still so thankful.

I loaded up our cars and moved in with another friend, Rachel. Without hesitation she offered me a bed and a home to shelter me from the worst of the storm. I stayed with her while I picked up the pieces of my life.  Every night she listened to me discuss and process my progress and the small footsteps I was making forward. It is these moments that helped me to continue moving. I found my own place a month or so later. She never asked for a dollar off me and wouldn't have taken it, even if I had forced her.

Over time I realised that he had been emotionally and financially abusing me for months and months. He had been manipulating, threatening, undermining and lying. He justified his behaviour and lied to himself so much that to him there were no lies. While I had been trying to make us work, trying to repair our relationship, he had been ripping it apart.

In the conversations that followed, Stephen justified all of his actions. Once he got no where with that he started to apologise. He promised to change. He promised to pay all of the money back. I heard him out, believing nothing. I had no feelings for him anymore, I just wanted the debt gone. I kept it civil, carefully wording any comment or email, even as he continued to try and manipulate the situation back to some advantage. I made it clear that if he didn't pay, I would pursue other ways to get the money. He gave some money back to prove he would. I got money for 3 weeks in a row before it stopped. After that I only got lies.

Aftermath

After all of this happened I spent a long time thinking about Stephen and what he had done to me. At first I was not angry. I was looking to understand how it had happened and how I had let it. I pitied him. Here is a sad and delusional man who wants nothing more than his happy ending. He can't see that he sets himself on fire and destroys his own life, over and over again. Every time he does this he has to carry it with him. He knows what he has done. He has to face it every time the truth is uncovered. He has to sleep with it at night, every night, for the rest of his life.

I was coping but it wavered at times. It didn't help when people asked me "you work with people, shouldn't you have known or seen it coming?". There is a lot of judgement and underlying assumption to a comment like this. These comments stung. I already felt ashamed of my decisions, of the choices I'd made. I was angry at myself for not listening to my instincts. I was angry at myself for being swept away in the fantasy that I too could have a life with love and a family warming my home. I felt stupid for all of the times I tried to make the relationship work out of 'commitment'. I felt stupid for believing all of the lies, for trusting him. I had let myself down. I didn't need judgement from my friends. What I needed was their patience, love and support. I did get it from my closest friends and with this I began to find my anger. I channelled it, using it to drive me forward.

Reflection

I still get angry about what Stephen did to me and upset that it all happened. I didn't cry much in the aftermath. I focussed on collecting the pieces and keeping my life going. As I wrote this blog I allowed myself some time to finally do that. 

Looking back on how it all ended, I can't believe how far I let things slide. I like to think of myself as an assertive and intelligent woman. I stand my ground when I feel I am right and I will take a stand when it is needed. I don't allow others to treat me poorly and have no trouble doing things alone if I have to. I got so lost. It is hard to step away and look at your situation when you are engulfed by it.  I had continued to fight, but it is hard to focus energy when you are facing battles on all fronts.

What makes me the angriest is that he is still out there. He is still doing this. He continues to scam, steal, lie and justify it to himself as if it is okay to do this. He has done this to other women, leaving them in debt, disillusioned, as single mothers and he continues to live his life as if he never destroyed anyone elses. He gets away with it. What's more is that Stephen isn't the only person like this out there. There are others that do this too. People that live off the exploitation of others. They are not evil. They do not stand out. They are well rehearsed and practised in their art and the destruction they leave behind.

For those people out there with an open heart and trusting nature, ALWAYS follow your instincts! You never have to stay in a bad relationship no matter how much you have committed to. Continue to connect with friends and family. Keep up the supports in your life. It is not easy. If things are at their worst, remember that it is much easier to do things alone than to be drowned by your partner.

The debt hung over my head for some time. Every time I received a bill or thought about buying my own place I was reminded of what had happened. I am glad that I fought to keep my friends in my life, regardless of how much Stephen attempted to isolate me. Without my friends I would have been lost. I am so glad and thankful that I wasn't alone. It was all hard enough already.

I still hear of him and see him in the street or in the supermarket. Every time my blood boils but I am biding my time.  I am putting my trust in the idea that he will get what he deserves.  He will set his life and dreams on fire and be left clutching only ashes. He will be the destruction of his own happiness.