Ze German is a recent date of mine. He was a few years younger than me, studying part time, managing a store part time and in then with any spare time he was internet dating. My initial thoughts on this person said 'probably not'. From his pictures I didn’t really warm to him and I am not too keen to walk back into student life (after only having freed myself from it a year or so ago). In saying this, he was working (so not likely to be living in student squalor) and his written profile was somewhat appealing. He was half German half Italian.
It was a low patch for internet dating interest so I thought “what the heck” and accepted contact. He emailed straight up. He was enthusiastic and interesting and included suggestions for a first date at the end. We emailed minimally before phoning and meeting up. I wasn't excited to email him and he was keen on skipping formalities. This was probably a mistake.
For the first date we went on a long drive and lunch. He had dark curly hair with wisps of grey throughout. He also lacked a definable jaw line and chin, but instead had a dimple where his chin should be. Despite the greying doo, he was evidently younger than I. He drove a little recklessly at times which made me a feel uneasy (there was no need to be rushing), but the conversation came easily from both sides. He spoke a number of languages. He spoke them to me at different times across the date. Internally I was trying to decipher whether he was showing off or trying to ascertain my multi-lingual abilities (non-existent). I smiled and nodded appropriately (I guess), not understanding a thing he was saying. I never came to a conclusion on this one.
We stopped off for a coffee at a gorgeous location on the water. I was glad for the drink, if for no other reason than to clear the white spittle from the corner of his mouth that had been bugging me. He opened my door for me and he paid. It was nice. This doesn’t usually happen for me on dates. We sat and chatted for about 30 minutes before moving on to the next location. He raced to car door to open it for me. It was a little weird but a nice gesture.
I always try to get sense of my date's relationships with family members. I hold the belief that how someone treats the females in their family is indicative of their deep seated values in relation to the opposite sex. One comment that bothered me was on ze German’s dislike of emotionality. He stated not only that he didn’t understand highly emotional people, but that he didn’t like them. I wasn’t sure what ‘highly emotional’ was exactly, at least in ze German’s mind so I left it. Another comment was regarding his frustrations with his sister because she is emotional. I could be reading into things too deeply but it was sounding a little like this person looked down on ‘female’ traits of emotionality and desire to talk things through. Maybe he just has a highly emotional sister. At this point I couldn’t tell. I let it slide and diverted conversation back to safer topics… politics for example (lucky neither of us were too political).
The other thing that happened during the date that I was not comfortable with involved ze German blowing his nose. He managed to wipe a booger on to the top of it! This was more than a little off putting so after a minute or so I suggested he may want to wipe again. He did. It was gone… or so I thought. Then he wiped it back there again! I would have laughed but I was too disgusted by the yellow sticky mass on top of his nose. I couldn’t believe it! I again, suggested he blew his nose. Finally it was gone, but in the meantime I had decided that the booger and the white spittle had resulted in a desire for no physical contact on this date.
We headed back to the car. He opened my door for me. This was strange as I was clearly standing next to the door and he was next to his, and I had to move out of the way for him to do it. I like a man to offer but surely I am capable of opening one car door! Although a few things had been a little off-putting I had enjoyed the ease of conversation and the different approach and energy of this date. I agreed to the second date.
It came time to say goodbye and he kissed me goodbye on the lips. It was only a peck so I put my reservations aside and accepted it politely saying goodnight. He then asked for another “for ze road”. I found that weird and awkward but for some reason decided to allow him one more peck. I quickly left the car after that, wondering why I had let him kiss me a second time (this should have been an indicator to pay attention to).
The last two men that said “you’re thinking too much” or “stop thinking so much” to me were doing things behind my back that I did not agree with and that I would end a relationship over (you know, small little things like sleeping with others or stealing your money). I previously ignored my instincts and have paid the price for doing so. If I am thinking too much then it probably indicates something is not quite right. Even if it doesn’t, it is important for me in my profession to be self aware, and to analyse behaviours, interactions and emotions, especially those that may interfere with interpersonal and therapeutic relationships (not that I am feeling a need to defend myself here). This is who I am and if concerns about that are being raised by date 2, then that is a problem! What was also becoming evident was that this person didn't like his women to be emotional or analytical. What was he looking for (it didn't seem to be me)?
So it came time to say goodbye. He dropped me at my car and as I was about to get out he leaned in for a kiss. I turned my head to the side so he could only catch a cheek. He came back for a second so I turned my head to the other side. You think he would have got the picture. In my head it felt like I was acting out a scene from the Looney Tunes show featuring Pepe Le Pew. He then said “on ze lips”. It was clear that the energy I had put in to creating a ‘just friends’ experience had gone to waste and I was being forced to make a decision about whether there was a relationship. Can you guess what I decided?
I phoned him later to let him know that I did not want to go on another date. The conversation went something like this:
Me: "I've been thinking and I'm not feeling that we have what I want in a relationship"
Him: "Well I still think we should have anozer few dates so we can get to know each other a bit more"
Me: "I am happy to be just friends only" (I wasn't really).
Him: "You're thinking too much. I think what's happening is you're going home and thinking about what I said and then what you said and over thinking it all. I think it is detrimental to you relationships"
Me (feeling quite annoyed now): "You are assuming that I am basing this decision on what I am thinking rather than what I am feeling. I am not"
Him: "Okay, well I am still happy to go out with you this weekend"
I didn't go out with him again.
Following this date I have gone back to my decision to only date people my age or older. I don't think it was his age that was the problem, but he certainly came across as entitled and judgemental. I like to think that time weathers these characteristics down a bit. Ze German is a person who has not struggled for much in his life and was quick to make assumptions of others. This didn't sit well with me and it was clear I didn't want to be with him, even after the first date. The chin was also a little concerning. I like a chiseled jawline on a man and couldn't help but think about my future children. I want them to have a jawline too! I probably should have called it there on date 1 but there is a small thought in my head that comes in from time to time saying "be open to experience. Give it one more chance". So far the voice has always been wrong!
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