Profiling

The first thing you notice about someone when they contact you though internet dating is their profile. I would have thought that because of that, people would put effort in to their presentation. I was always taught to put my best foot forward, especially when potentially meeting someone. I thought this was normal. Nope. Not the case. Of the hundreds of profiles I have viewed and read, only a small handful have put a semi decent foot out there.

“What should I look for in a profile?” I hear you asking. There are a few basic things that make the difference between a profile I will look at versus one I spend no more than the time it takes to exit out of that screen. Here are 5 things I go by to consider whether the guy messaging me is worth my time.

1. Their profile tells you something.                                                     

If there is no information about who a guy is, what he likes or what he does for a living, how do you know that you even want to find out more?

Even more than this, why should you put in effort to find out about someone, if they put none in to inspire it? Sure they might think that photo of them is hot. They might think it will be enough to win a date but it isn’t going to be enough from me or any other self respecting woman. Whether the lack of writing be from a place of arrogance, laziness or self delusion, it isn’t important – all of those are not desirable partner characteristics.

2. Spelling, punctuation and grammar are important.

The emphasis is sometimes ambiguous but important. Take these two statements.
"Woman without her man is nothing" vs. "Woman, without her, man is nothing".

in my mind their is nothing wors then tryin to reed a profile that gose on and on with out any stops or commas and makes me tink its ritten by bairly litrate primary sckool kids'

Now I am an educated woman, and maybe this isn’t something that bothers everyone. I can’t decide whether this bothers me because I feel vocabulary reflects ability to engage with written media (the first step in internet dating), because I feel it shows laziness (most document programs have a spell checker these days- all it takes is 2 seconds before sending) or because I do actually think of illiterate school kids (not ever been a sexual fantasy of mine and hopefully not one of yours either). In any case, spelling and grammar are easily fixed and if someone isn't thinking about that then you need to ask yourself “does this bother me?”.

3. It isn’t about looks but the photo matters.

Those 3 pictures of him with a beer in hand and belly hanging out suggests he drinks a lot of beer and doesn't care too much about appearance or health. On the other extreme, the guys that feel a need to pose half dressed with their ripped abs are just as bad. Sorry, those photos certainly don’t make my loins quiver. I don’t know about you but I don’t need a caveman to thump me with his club and drag me to his den.

The best photos are interesting. They show memories worth exploring. They beg questions and show personality. They are eye catching and different. They are pictures of a person doing the things they do in life.

(N.B. there needs to be variety. 10 photos of lycra cycling gear or running pictures is not excusable).

4. Similar directions, similar interests.

Internet dating is in some ways an opposite process to how we would usually meet people. If you met someone in a pub you go on chemistry first, maybe go on a few dates and then discover some fundamental problems in the relationship, such as different religious beliefs and different ideas about marriage and family. With internet dating the design turns this all on its head. You find out beliefs, interests and whether or not someone wants children all before you even message.

In keeping with this reality I spent a lot of time on my profile. I purposely made it interesting and playful because I like to think that is how I am. I make it pretty clear what I am looking for, what I enjoy and what I want.  For example it is stated clearly that I am looking for a meaningful relationship and someday I want children. Be prepared for people to message that want nothing that you do.

Now this indicates one of a potential number of things. It shows either a) they looked at your picture and didn’t read your profile (most likely)  b) they don’t think about other people and therefore haven’t considered your desires (a close second), c) they think that whatever they have to offer is worth the waste of time (I wish they wouldn’t delude themselves) or d) they aren’t actually held to their view that differs from yours (then why write it?).  The biggest benefit to online forums is it is an easy way to cull heartache and time wasted in ill matched relationships. If we are working in a new meeting forum, we may as well utilise the strengths of such an approach!

5. Honesty is great, baggage isn’t.

It’s great that a guy thinks he is over that 10 year relationship that broke down 3 months ago, but posting things like “no liars, cheaters, bitches and backstabbers” suggests otherwise (I don’t even think you have to be a psychologist to figure that one out). Everyone comes with baggage but it is unappealing. A desperate person does not make for a good relationship.

So as a close on this one I think it is important to analyse the profiles and the people you meet. I consider how someone presents themselves and I read between the lines. I consider why certain statements are posted, how they are posted and what it might say about a person. One thing I have established throughout my dating experiences is this - if I feel it is awkward before meeting someone, it is definitely going to be worse in person... trust me, I tested this one out. That said,  maybe by looking so closely I am missing all the more normal characters out there… or maybe it actually just gets weirder from here!

As a side note, there was a great little series on the science of attraction. If you are interested in a short clip on what people tend to be attracted to in a profile picture watch the link below!