Since starting this blog I have had a few people ask me about why I am single. This question is one that is I reflect upon often as I pull apart the reality of online dating. Although this particular blog does not focus on this important question, I want to highlight my current reality to exonerate myself in the meantime.
In order to do this I went through my last 15 “kisses”. People considering online dating, hopefully my experience will enable you to prepare yourself by reflecting on the following.
Now there are a number of formats for online sites. Some are completely free, some you have to pay per month and that entitles you to free messaging, and others are a pay per person you would like to contact. The kiss relates to either of the second sites. For those of you that don’t know what kisses are (and I’m not just talking about the lip to lip sort here), these are free pre-written short notes. These free notes establish whether there is any interest before spending your money and time communicating through site established email. When I receive one of these kisses, the first thing I do is look at their profile [refer to Profiling for more on what I look for]. So of those 15 kisses I have reviewed profiles and pulled the following for your reading pleasure. I have semi sorted them for readability.
“ I have been hurt in the past and am wanting to find that special person to fill that empty space in my heart”.
“I've been beaten up, bashed, broke, dropped, dumped, sacked, kicked, laughed at, trodden on, pointed at, whispered about, talked behind, sympathised for, hungry, sad, teary eyed, scratched, sweated, slapped, lied to, failed, taken the wrong turn in life and everything else under the sun. So don't say I didn't warn you.”
Correct me if I am wrong but I feel they spell out ‘damaged goods’ in large bold and highlighted text! Then there are a few profiles that suggest they are looking for something a little less serious and meaningful than I am looking for:
“Not actively looking for "the one"”
Then you have the men that put their best feet out to fall over:
“i can be shy but once u get 2 no me that wears off”
“nice man looking for the rite girl i have had some bad luck in the past 3 years had a shooting accindent”
“I'm a energetic a little bit shy person if you ask anyone how knows me they will say I'm an open and honest, caring, fun friendly person”
And those that think they have nice feet indeed:
“many people have found me attractive”
“Come on girls send me that sexy message” (this one had no other text and just a photo to accompany it).
And last of all, the very intelligently wordy individual:
And last of all, the very intelligently wordy individual:
“OK, not sure what to put here” (and that’s it on most of the profile).
Two other people that kissed me made their profile inactive which inhibits me from even viewing their profile let alone replying.
I come back to the importance of photos! I know in “Profiling” I already discussed the impact of photos, but I want to drive this point home by presenting to you a couple of examples from this most recent selection of kisses.
I come back to the importance of photos! I know in “Profiling” I already discussed the impact of photos, but I want to drive this point home by presenting to you a couple of examples from this most recent selection of kisses.
The first example involves a I like to refer to as Mr Muscles. This guy stated in his main profile, as well as in his interests and in the sports sections that he really liked the gym. This is usually a little off putting for me as I do visit the gym myself. I know the kind of people spend their spare time in a gym and I don’t find it too appealing, but it is not exclusionary. I might discuss the high proportion of male body dysmorphia in gym settings (especially my gym) at a later date but it is beyond the scope of the current blog. Anyway, the main picture was of this guy in a wife-beater (for those of you that aren’t clear on what that is, it is a singlet top, usually bonds ribbed cotton and often in navy) with his arms pressed tightly against his sides in order to increase the definition of his bicep muscles. Does he realise how obvious he is being?
What people look for in a partner is a discussion I have had numerous time over a bottle of red or pint of beer. From all discussions I have had on the topic, it appears that men tend to base their initial judgements on physical appearance. I would like to think that on a scale from hideous to stunning I am up there in the reasonably attractive range, however this view of women’s worth based on physical appearance offends me. Maybe I am offended because I believe that everyone has inherent values that make them more than just looks. Maybe it’s because some of the most beautiful female friends I have, would not be considered as beautiful through superficial eyes. Besides, what happens for these people when looks fade through time or tragedy?
I on the other hand look for things such as:
Someone who is stable that can provide, who does not have significant mental health problems or disability (that stuff is for work), is physically healthy (does not have to be buff or athletic, just not fragile-looking or morbidly obese), secure, open minded, interesting, someone who is at least somewhat educated and intelligent, who presents themselves well, does not appear to have underlying beliefs around the value of human worth based on race or gender, and does not have anger management problems, who I enjoy the company of. Physical appearance is certainly a part of what may appeal or detract from someone but it is lower in the list and usually related to looking healthy or ability to present well (turning up in tracksuit pants to a formal dinner is the kind of scenario I am trying to discount here).
Maybe I put too much expectation on men to look past appearance and maybe I was reading far too much into that photo. I was making the assumption that because this person felt their best asset was their semi-formed biceps and manly-strength, it must mean they are driven by appearance. Maybe I was just offended by the wife-beater. In saying all of this, the photo annoyed me, however I did chat briefly with him despite this. It was the lack of energy, interesting conversation and overall confidence that what the killer for me.
The second guy I am referring to, I named Mr Smelly. He looked like he hadn’t showered or shaved in weeks in the photo (and this opinion was confirmed by other people). All 3 photos were bad with the profile shot taking the cake. He fell short in the ‘present well’ category. In fact the comment to go with the photo pointed out how bad the shot actually was (in his words) with a “ha ha” at the end?!
(Note: This is not the actual photo)
So of the 15 most recent kisses, only 3 were considerable in my books. Those wanting to throw out a statement about how selective/critical/realistic I am I want you to know that I am open to the possibility that there might be a better way to do this. I would ask you to reflect on the above examples to establish what you would do if propositioned by these fine young (and older) specimens. As it stands though, there are three of fifteen at this time to consider further. One of these was too young (more than 3 years younger than me), and the other two I replied to.
I try to minimise the workload and awkward that is inherent in the superficially constructed meeting environments of online dating by a self-developed selection process. So far I have not been hugely successful but I have to admit, it does make for good blogging.
