The Teacher

This guy I named the teacher based on his profession. He was not quite as memorable as 'The Choker' or 'The Photographer A.K.A. Mr. Doughnut Belly' but he is still an experience to be shared. The Teacher was a young attractive guy (my age) who liked the outdoors. He ran outdoor adventure activities with a high school and looked great on screen. Fit, healthy, employed and driven. Based on this information I agreed to contact.

We proceeded through a guided communication process, answering questions and responding to each other. His responses had a number of spelling and grammatical mistakes. I decided to continue with the contact and look past it [the time felt I should try something new]. So we arranged a time to chat on the phone. He agreed to call me on the Saturday at 11am.

Saturday came and when 11 was well over I sent an email letting him know that I had waited for his call and requesting a time to call him. He wrote back apologising profusely and let me know that he had won the cricket match that day. He suggested a time for the following day. I didn’t care about the cricket. I did notice his lack of justification for the missed call but accepted the apology.

So the time on Sunday came and I was on my way to Launceston. I phoned, figuring it would entertain me for some of the journey. There was no answer. Further along my journey I phoned back. No answer. I left a message letting him know that I was calling at the time he had suggested and leaving a message as he was not there. It was a short but pleasant pointing out of the obvious. I did not call again.

At 2:30 the next morning my phone rang. I was sleeping soundly at the time so luckily didn’t trouble myself to wake up for it. I did wake up to a voice message on my phone at a more appropriate time. It was the teacher. Drunk and incomprehensible.

I was heading out for breakfast that morning so got the opportunity to play the message to both friends I met out that morning. We had a bit of a laugh and decided that this guy probably wasn’t worth the hassle. From the evidence so far I was getting a sense that he probably wasn’t at a point in his life that looked to settle down.

To the teacher’s credit I did actually get an apology message from him later that day. By this point there were too many apologies in the field and not enough action. I replied, making light of the situation and he let me know he would call later. He didn’t call. I didn’t pursue it.

Maybe he was just having a bad few weeks. Maybe he was as disorganised, unreliable and motivated by a good drinking night as he appeared. In any case it seemed strange that this person was so unaware of the impression he was putting out to the world. Did he really think this is how he could find a healthy relationship?

So what did I learn from this contact? I realised that I am looking for someone who is mature. Someone I can rely on. Someone who will do what they say they will, rather than promise, and then apologise when the promise lies unfulfilled. I also learnt that I should stick to my profile/initial communication screening protocols. Clearly there is something in that!

15 Kisses and a Lot of Misses.

Since starting this blog I have had a few people ask me about why I am single. This question is one that is I reflect upon often as I pull apart the reality of online dating. Although this particular blog does not focus on this important question, I want to highlight my current reality to exonerate myself in the meantime.

In order to do this I went through my last 15 “kisses”.  People considering online dating, hopefully my experience will enable you to prepare yourself by reflecting on the following. 

Now there are a number of formats for online sites. Some are completely free, some you have to pay per month and that entitles you to free messaging, and others are a pay per person you would like to contact. The kiss relates to either of the second sites. For those of you that don’t know what kisses are (and I’m not just talking about the lip to lip sort here), these are free pre-written short notes. These free notes establish whether there is any interest before spending your money and time communicating through site established email. When I receive one of these kisses, the first thing I do is look at their profile [refer to Profiling for more on what I look for]. So of those 15 kisses I have reviewed profiles and pulled the following for your reading pleasure. I have semi sorted them for readability.

“ I have been hurt in the past and am wanting to find that special person to fill that empty space in my heart”.

“I've been beaten up, bashed, broke, dropped, dumped, sacked, kicked, laughed at, trodden on, pointed at, whispered about, talked behind, sympathised for, hungry, sad, teary eyed, scratched, sweated, slapped, lied to, failed, taken the wrong turn in life and everything else under the sun. So don't say I didn't warn you.”

Correct me if I am wrong but I feel they spell out ‘damaged goods’ in large bold and highlighted text! Then there are a few profiles that suggest they are looking for something a little less serious and meaningful than I am looking for:

“Not actively looking for "the one"”

Then you have the men that put their best feet out to fall over:

 “i can be shy but once u get 2 no me that wears off”

“nice man looking for the rite girl i have had some bad luck in the past 3 years had a shooting accindent”

“I'm a energetic a little bit shy person if you ask anyone how knows me they will say I'm an open and honest, caring, fun friendly person”

And those that think they have nice feet indeed:

“many people have found me attractive”

“Come on girls send me that sexy message” (this one had no other text and just a photo to accompany it).

And last of all, the very intelligently wordy individual:

“OK, not sure what to put here” (and that’s it on most of the profile).

Two other people that kissed me made their profile inactive which inhibits me from even viewing their profile let alone replying.

I come back to the  importance of photos! I know in “Profiling” I already discussed the impact of photos, but I want to drive this point home by presenting to you a couple of examples from this most recent selection of kisses.

The first example involves a I like to refer to as Mr Muscles. This guy stated in his main profile, as well as in his interests and in the sports sections that he really liked the gym. This is usually a little off putting for me as I do visit the gym myself. I know the kind of people spend their spare time in a gym and I don’t find it too appealing, but it is not exclusionary. I might discuss the high proportion of male body dysmorphia in gym settings (especially my gym) at a later date but it is beyond the scope of the current blog.  Anyway, the main picture was of this guy in a wife-beater (for those of you that aren’t clear on what that is, it is a singlet top, usually bonds ribbed cotton and often in navy) with his arms pressed tightly against his sides in order to increase the definition of his bicep muscles. Does he realise how obvious he is being?

What people look for in a partner is a discussion I have had numerous time over a bottle of red or pint of beer. From all discussions I have had on the topic, it appears that men tend to base their initial judgements on physical appearance. I would like to think that on a scale from hideous to stunning I am up there in the reasonably attractive range, however this view of women’s worth based on physical appearance offends me. Maybe I am offended because I believe that everyone has inherent values that make them more than just looks. Maybe it’s because some of the most beautiful female friends I have, would not be considered as beautiful through superficial eyes. Besides, what happens for these people when looks fade through time or tragedy?

I on the other hand look for things such as:

Someone who is stable that can provide, who does not have significant mental health problems or disability (that stuff is for work), is physically healthy (does not have to be buff or athletic, just not fragile-looking or morbidly obese), secure, open minded, interesting, someone who is at least somewhat educated and intelligent, who presents themselves well, does not appear to have underlying beliefs around the value of human worth based on race or gender, and does not have anger management problems, who I enjoy the company of. Physical appearance is certainly a part of what may appeal or detract from someone but it is lower in the list and usually related to looking healthy or ability to present well (turning up in tracksuit pants to a formal dinner is the kind of scenario I am trying to discount here).

Maybe I put too much expectation on men to look past appearance and maybe I was reading far too much into that photo. I was making the assumption that because this person felt their best asset was their semi-formed biceps and manly-strength, it must mean they are driven by appearance. Maybe I was just offended by the wife-beater. In saying all of this, the photo annoyed me, however I did chat briefly with him despite this. It was the lack of energy, interesting conversation and overall confidence that what the killer for me.

The second guy I am referring to, I named Mr Smelly. He looked like he hadn’t showered or shaved in weeks in the photo (and this opinion was confirmed by other people). All 3 photos were bad with the profile shot taking the cake. He fell short in the ‘present well’ category. In fact the comment to go with the photo pointed out how bad the shot actually was (in his words) with a “ha ha” at the end?!

 (Note: This is not the actual photo)

So of the 15 most recent kisses, only 3 were considerable in my books. Those wanting to throw out a statement about how selective/critical/realistic I am I want you to know that I am open to the possibility that there might be a better way to do this. I would ask you to reflect on the above examples to establish what you would do if propositioned by these fine young (and older) specimens. As it stands though, there are three of fifteen at this time to consider further. One of these was too young (more than 3 years younger than me), and the other two I replied to.

I try to minimise the workload and awkward that is inherent in the superficially constructed meeting environments of online dating by a self-developed selection process. So far I have not been hugely successful but I have to admit, it does make for good blogging.

The Choker

A favourite of mine is a date I refer to as ‘The Choker’. I actually went on five dates with this guy which is quite substantial in comparison to other dates. He was a skilled tradesman in his early 30s with simple tastes. He owned his own house, cared for his brother and was generally a good guy. The conversation wasn’t as complex as I would like and often it was me creating it, however it was always pleasant.

Although on first meeting there was no instant chemistry, he was somewhat attractive and gentlemanly. Date 1 involved attending a trivia night. Now I am not very good at trivia. I can remember small bits of information here and there or specific information of a select few areas, but I usually rely on my textbooks and Mr. Google to fulfil my day-to-day information based needs. I was surprised that I could pitch in and offer one answer. My date didn’t answer any but I didn’t hold that against him. I was too busy procuring relatively inexpensive wine to splash over the evening. Following this he walked me home, gave me a kiss and said goodnight.

Date 2: Rock climbing. This date went by without worthy mentions. We met, we climbed and we talked. It was fun. It was comfortable, even if I was still creating the opportunities for conversation.

So in between Date 2 & 3 a few pretty big things happened for me. My housemate and good friend left to travel the world for a few months, and the day he left I got cellulitis. Following date 1 I had arrived home and made myself a hot water bottle. In my over-indulged state I managed to pour hot water on my hand creating a burn. Open burn wound (at date 2 stage quite small) and rock climbing wall are not a good combination. After starting on antibiotics I awoke a night later with intense pains in my stomach. As I was on my way to the bathroom at 3 am to be sick, I passed out in the hallway hitting my head on the way down. Although I went straight to hospital the next day, the 7 hours of waiting saw my cellulitis move from a red mark around the wound, to tracking all the way up to my armpit. I ended up spending 4 nights in 5 star hospital comfort. The 3^rd date was delayed and I was feeling a little less resilient all round.

Date 3: Dinner. Because of my recent health complaints, it was decided that something more relaxed be planned for date 3. We decided to visit a nice restaurant in local dining strip. I can’t remember what I ordered but I do recall his meal was the steak. It was a nice evening. The venue was nice and the food was good. About 4 mouthfuls in it happened. He got up and went to the men’s room. I continued enjoying my meal and glass of wine.

I finished my meal. I sat on but eventually finished my wine and bought another. I finished that too. He came out after 45 minutes, tears streaming down his cheeks to let me know a piece of steak was caught in his throat and he was trying to regurgitate it back up. I got myself another wine at this point… and I slowly sat on that for quite some time. Another 45 minutes later he returned, red faced but relieved of the food morsel that had been so much trouble for him. He explained to me that he was born with a small oesophagus and once in a blue moon is stuck in a similar situation. Following the exhaustion of spending so long in discomfort we decided to call it a night and try again the following week.

Date 4: Dinner. He ordered the steak again. This time things seemed to be going well. We chatted and talked about how nice the meal was. Then it happened. Again. He disappeared to the bathroom and I spent the rest of my meal (again) sitting by myself while he tried to bring up the steak. I also sat there wondering why he didn’t choose to order something a little easier… the soup maybe. By this point, the waiting in combination with my lowered resilience to such uncomfortable occasions lessened my desire to keep on trying. I hesitatingly decided to go on one more date.

Date 5: Motorcycle ride. The ride was great. We sat in silence and I enjoyed the scenery. We headed out and enjoyed a coffee… no food. Then we came home. It was pretty clear to me by this point that the hours of regurgitation had left me feeling a little detached from this person. There was no chemistry (and it had been minimal throughout), the conversation required effort and although nice is nice, at this point I also started questioning whether “nice” was enough for me.

On returning home I let him know that I am not interested in further dates. He asked me if I had any single friends.

So what did I take away from this one. Well, I decided that I want something more. I want a flame, or even just a spark. I want to look forward to seeing my partner and feel at ease and comfortable in their presence… like it is regenerating to be there rather than ‘work-like’. I want a deeper connection. … and I guess I also prefer a little less choking too.

Profiling

The first thing you notice about someone when they contact you though internet dating is their profile. I would have thought that because of that, people would put effort in to their presentation. I was always taught to put my best foot forward, especially when potentially meeting someone. I thought this was normal. Nope. Not the case. Of the hundreds of profiles I have viewed and read, only a small handful have put a semi decent foot out there.

“What should I look for in a profile?” I hear you asking. There are a few basic things that make the difference between a profile I will look at versus one I spend no more than the time it takes to exit out of that screen. Here are 5 things I go by to consider whether the guy messaging me is worth my time.

1. Their profile tells you something.                                                     

If there is no information about who a guy is, what he likes or what he does for a living, how do you know that you even want to find out more?

Even more than this, why should you put in effort to find out about someone, if they put none in to inspire it? Sure they might think that photo of them is hot. They might think it will be enough to win a date but it isn’t going to be enough from me or any other self respecting woman. Whether the lack of writing be from a place of arrogance, laziness or self delusion, it isn’t important – all of those are not desirable partner characteristics.

2. Spelling, punctuation and grammar are important.

The emphasis is sometimes ambiguous but important. Take these two statements.
"Woman without her man is nothing" vs. "Woman, without her, man is nothing".

in my mind their is nothing wors then tryin to reed a profile that gose on and on with out any stops or commas and makes me tink its ritten by bairly litrate primary sckool kids'

Now I am an educated woman, and maybe this isn’t something that bothers everyone. I can’t decide whether this bothers me because I feel vocabulary reflects ability to engage with written media (the first step in internet dating), because I feel it shows laziness (most document programs have a spell checker these days- all it takes is 2 seconds before sending) or because I do actually think of illiterate school kids (not ever been a sexual fantasy of mine and hopefully not one of yours either). In any case, spelling and grammar are easily fixed and if someone isn't thinking about that then you need to ask yourself “does this bother me?”.

3. It isn’t about looks but the photo matters.

Those 3 pictures of him with a beer in hand and belly hanging out suggests he drinks a lot of beer and doesn't care too much about appearance or health. On the other extreme, the guys that feel a need to pose half dressed with their ripped abs are just as bad. Sorry, those photos certainly don’t make my loins quiver. I don’t know about you but I don’t need a caveman to thump me with his club and drag me to his den.

The best photos are interesting. They show memories worth exploring. They beg questions and show personality. They are eye catching and different. They are pictures of a person doing the things they do in life.

(N.B. there needs to be variety. 10 photos of lycra cycling gear or running pictures is not excusable).

4. Similar directions, similar interests.

Internet dating is in some ways an opposite process to how we would usually meet people. If you met someone in a pub you go on chemistry first, maybe go on a few dates and then discover some fundamental problems in the relationship, such as different religious beliefs and different ideas about marriage and family. With internet dating the design turns this all on its head. You find out beliefs, interests and whether or not someone wants children all before you even message.

In keeping with this reality I spent a lot of time on my profile. I purposely made it interesting and playful because I like to think that is how I am. I make it pretty clear what I am looking for, what I enjoy and what I want.  For example it is stated clearly that I am looking for a meaningful relationship and someday I want children. Be prepared for people to message that want nothing that you do.

Now this indicates one of a potential number of things. It shows either a) they looked at your picture and didn’t read your profile (most likely)  b) they don’t think about other people and therefore haven’t considered your desires (a close second), c) they think that whatever they have to offer is worth the waste of time (I wish they wouldn’t delude themselves) or d) they aren’t actually held to their view that differs from yours (then why write it?).  The biggest benefit to online forums is it is an easy way to cull heartache and time wasted in ill matched relationships. If we are working in a new meeting forum, we may as well utilise the strengths of such an approach!

5. Honesty is great, baggage isn’t.

It’s great that a guy thinks he is over that 10 year relationship that broke down 3 months ago, but posting things like “no liars, cheaters, bitches and backstabbers” suggests otherwise (I don’t even think you have to be a psychologist to figure that one out). Everyone comes with baggage but it is unappealing. A desperate person does not make for a good relationship.

So as a close on this one I think it is important to analyse the profiles and the people you meet. I consider how someone presents themselves and I read between the lines. I consider why certain statements are posted, how they are posted and what it might say about a person. One thing I have established throughout my dating experiences is this - if I feel it is awkward before meeting someone, it is definitely going to be worse in person... trust me, I tested this one out. That said,  maybe by looking so closely I am missing all the more normal characters out there… or maybe it actually just gets weirder from here!

As a side note, there was a great little series on the science of attraction. If you are interested in a short clip on what people tend to be attracted to in a profile picture watch the link below!

The Sniffer

One of the many entertaining experiences I have been blessed with since commencing my internship with internet dating was with a man I like to call ‘The Sniffer’.

To give you a bit of background on this character, he was a medical professional from another country on locum at the hospital. His pictures were posed but relatively decent. There were no half naked shots in the mirror, just the male equivalent of the pouty, duck face. He looked attractive, intelligent, interesting and financially secure… great on paper at least (or shall I say on screen?).

He picked me up in his new Nissan GTR, carbon fibre panelled imported car to head out for dinner. The leather smell was still strong and obviously new. The car looked like it had just rolled off the demo floor. He certainly made a first impression (even though I am not into cars). I probably shouldn't jump to conclusions but based on his desire to make an impression, my mind was already making assumptions about which fancy restaurant we would be dining in.  

So the venue wasn’t quite what I was expecting from a wealthy high earning, fast car driving professional. We parked out back of an eatery where the meals were priced the same as the hour on the clock. It was 6:0 0pm when we arrived. I ordered something basic, like a chicken schnitzel. Their menu wasn’t extensive and at $6 a meal I can’t expect too much. The meal met my lowered expectations but the beer accompanying it was lovely.

We picked a nice little spot in a round booth. In hindsight, probably not the best table to pick but at 6pm there were quite a few tables taken up by $6 diners. In order to sit next to each other, I had to compromise all left elbow movement which made eating a little difficult. It is lucky that my travel days have left me well rehearsed in small space eating.

I was a good half way through my highly expensive and exotic dish when The Sniffer did just that!! There I was, mouthful of food with my date leaning in and sniffing at my shoulder. It was the longest inhale I have ever experienced. At the time I was wishing that clicking my heels and repeating “there is no place like home” actually worked as an escape strategy. Failing that I still had plenty of time to consider the current level of awkwardness (about a 9/10) and focus my internal monologue on “pretend everything is normal”, all while the inhale was happening.

Much to his disappointment I opted “no” for heading out for more fun after dinner. After dropping me back I did get a text message later that night from him. It read “I can still smell you all over me”. I had no idea that a gauche goodbye hug could result in such a sensory experience for someone. I have since withheld hugging at the end of uncomfortable encounters. 

So what did I take home from this experience? I learnt that just because you are a professional, doesn’t mean that you don't have a weird quirk or two. I also learnt that looking good on screen does not hide the fact that there is usually a reason for singledom. In answering my question (“Why is this person single?”) I made a brief assessment that the lack of understanding of social boundaries has probably limited this guy’s opportunities. I mean, if it is your thing to sniff others then great, but you might want to check the waters before diving in… its cold and dateless if you get that one wrong!

Looking To A Digital World for Intimacy

There are days where I am completely content with my life, my achievements, and the meow my cat greets me with as I arrive home. There are other days where I look around at my marrying friends and can’t help but notice the gap where a significant other could be. It was on one of these days that I decided to open an internet dating account.

I don’t regret my decision to venture into the world of digital dancefloors to meet a partner. I don’t even regret the awkward experiences I have endured on such a journey. I, along with many others are exploring the new frontier of internet dating, online romance, and online social networking.

I remember the first time I heard of internet dating. It was in a second year sociology course. I was to present a talk on love and dating. I spoke about a neighbour’s war-time romance and the impact of the great depression on their marriage and early parenting experiences. My co-presenter, a poem writing (and reciting), sci-fi loving, underweight, alternative, somewhat awkward goth presented on modern day romance -internet dating. I was not left with a good impression.

I can’t say that my impression of internet dating has improved greatly since then, however, in between ‘The Sniffer', ‘The Photographer a.k.a. Mr. Doughnut Belly’, ‘The Choker’ and ‘Mr. Tall’ I have actually had a few nice experiences. If you are considering playing this game, my only advice is be prepared for some awkward.

I go on every date with one question I look to answer (in my head). That question is “why is this person single?” I was hoping the question would be harder to answer, but alas, reality is sometimes harsh. To demonstrate this finding, I am planning to document some of the experiences I have had since going online. I think it is about time I started mapping this territory to enable those coming after to prepare, compare and reflect.