Mr. Wyl Dancrazy

Just when I thought I had exhausted my supply of interesting dating interactions I received this gem in my inbox. 

Hey there. Have a look at my profile and let me know if you would like to talk. In the meantime you can answer these 3 questions as an ice breaker (to get the conversation started).
1. Where have you travelled to so far?

2. When was your last big/messy night out?

3. And what is the craziest thing you've ever done? No judgement.

This guy is  too young for me (7 years younger) and a little too focussed on partying which I stated in my reply. Although I didn't feel the questions were the best ones for getting to know someone, I liked the interesting opener so I answered his questions too before thanking him for the distraction and wishing him all the best. To my surprise I received a reply.

He answered his own questions. He established that he was well travelled and liked to party, often drinking until sunrise. I am not sure why he bothered because it was pretty evident that we do not live compatible lifestyles (or in the same state). He also answered his third question. A condensed version is as follows:

Family wedding. Got Inebriated with cousins. After the wedding hit the town for more partying. Cocaine and MDMA consumed. Woke up the next morning in bed with cousin (6 years younger than him) surrounded by incriminating evidence. Both having no memory of anything post night club. He followed with a final "do you judge me for that story?"

Now I don't know about anyone else but to me putting that out there on message two doesn't seem like an obvious winning strategy. It is okay to go out and do something crazy. Sure, I guess you can even embrace it if you want to. We are all young once and we all do things that we regret and hopefully learn from. Doing your cousin is not the run of the mill mistake for most people but I hear these things happen (and worse). To be honest though, I don't want to get into a relationship with someone that is inclined to wipe themselves out on alcohol and illicit substances and party until sunrise at every opportunity. So in truth, yes I am judging him. I am judging his approach to life and whether that suits me.

I guess if he is searching for someone that is non-judgemental (or related to him) or also inclined to participate in wild nights then sure, why not? Sending information like that to anyone that will answer just might link you in with the right person. Probably not when that person has already clarified they don't think it will work. Probably not when the person's fairly comprehensive profile points in a different direction. But who knows, right?

The Masseur

As I was driving home from a cancelled dance rehearsal I had this message* pop up on my phone from a dating site app:

"Insanely spontaneous plastic surgeon simply wondered if madam could be tempted with a lovely massage this evening!!!!! Nothing sordid jusy 75 mins of free relaxation"

Sounds legit, right?! Needless to say, I wasn't exactly sold on the idea but given I had time on my hands I thought I would pry a little. Besides, I love a good massage and if that really was on offer I wouldn't object. To assure me he sent me the following message:

"Its nothing sordid. I do neck back bum thighs legs feet tum and chest, quite firm and takes around 75 mins. I have an evening off work thankfully and love giving massage, no catch just a keen amateur having done several courses! Happy to come to you, just occasionally a leap of faith is needed!"

Well that settles it. There mustn't be anything awry with what this person was proposing, just with my faith in leaping into the evidently skilled and professional hands of a stranger. I continued to push. No one does something for nothing and my instincts were telling me that there was much more to this**.

Given my curiosity and my hesitations*** I asked what he was getting out of the offer and suggested meeting in a public location near his place. To that he reported that his mother and niece were currently visiting from the UK. He followed this with:

"I WAS going to try an cadge a massage exchange. I would be massaged all day if I could!!!!! I understand your perspective, it DOES need a little leap of faith as I said, you'd be welcome here but my mother and niece may be a slight distraction."

He sure likes his capitals and exclamation marks. By this point I wasn't feeling comfortable about the situation** but thought that verifying his identity would make me feel a little more at ease.

"I have to be careful and could find my details on the front page of the paper! I have an MA, a DPhil and MCRS and FRCS and even an FRACS, I even went through 18 months of vetting at Vauxhall Bridge but just now as I said a little mutual trust is needed, not credentialing!"

I don't know about you but I am not sure what half of that means. Listing off a few acronyms in an indignant way doesn't encourage trust or make the guy seem more endearing, regardless of whether or not he is a registered professional. I called it. I apologised for offending him and told him that I wasn't comfortable meeting him. I suggested he enjoy his time with his visitors. Then he messaged again.

"I enjoy massage and there is a sexual edge but I am in a relationship and this is extra curricular hence why I cannot risk exposure! Happy to meet somewhere and have a kiss and cuddle lol I am direct but 110% honest"

 Another message beeped.

"I can come to you now! If you want to indulge totally I can bring you do a nice gentle orgasm with my massage"

110% honest alright. From the very minute he started messaging me. I wonder if his wife/partner knows how "honest" he is to others. In any case I had already tapped out by this point. The aggressive / defensive / desperate interaction style doesn't really do it for me. I also have a general rule of avoiding cheaters. I politely declined with the following:

In all honesty I keep myself fairly busy. I don't have time to give to something that has no possibility of more. I am sure you have your reasons for seeking intimacy outside of your relationship but I am not comfortable knowingly hurting someone. I am also not interested in intimacy with someone who is comfortable doing that. I hope you are able to restore whatever it is that you are not currently getting from your relationship or can find the courage to face it, call it as it is and start again. Good luck with it.

He replied with a simple "patronising lol". I didn't return a message. After another couple of days I decided to block him. I had given this guy too much of my time as it is. Two weeks later, moving to a whole new level of creepy I received a message from a new profile. This one had a new name and fewer details. The location was a different city to the one I live. It was his photo. He only wrote one word. "Massage?"** I blocked him. Immediately. He had gone to quite a bit of effort to send that message. That is calculated creepy right there.  Not the kind of person I want to indulge any more than I already had.

There are many things that bothered me about this guy but the one that really comes to my mind is the use and abuse of power. Being a plastic surgeon^ does not grant any special privilege. I just wish that was the whole truth though. The reality is that we live in a society that does define some as better than others. Slavery still exists, despite our 1st world status. Women have still not achieved equal status to their male counterparts. There are power differences in most kinds of relationships including the intimate ones we form with a partner and in the work based professional relationships we hold. Working one job rather than another doesn't make someone any better a person or any more entitled to things. A professional standing doesn't (or at least shouldn't) forgive anyone of ill deeds, especially against another human. Your actions matter, regardless of who or what you are. And it is never okay to use and abuse people^^.

I strive to be aware of power differentials in my work as well as my everyday life. I'm not perfect but I actively try to be considerate of others. I just wish we lived in a world where all people were held accountable to their actions, especially when it comes to the abuse of power and of other people.




* The italicised quotes are almost exactly as they were at the time of communication (minus the occasional identifying word).
** A few red flags were going up.
*** And my propensity for risk taking and sometimes less than thought out decisions in the name of spontaneity and "why not?"
^ if in fact he actually is one
^^ I would argue that actively seeking out someone to cheat on your partner with is a behaviour that falls under this category.

Excuse me Mr.

Okay, so I don't usually do this but today I was feeling in high spirits and opinionated about topics that mean a lot to me. In the middle of the night I received a message from someone on the dating site I frequent. I read it in the morning before riding to work but I couldn't rid myself of some background feeling that I couldn't let it slide. The message itself is completely innocuous. It read as follows:

Hey. I liked your profile so thought I'd send you a message. How are you? How is this dating site treating you so far? I'd love to chat with you sometime. Have a look at my profile and see if you think we might click. I have some pics I can share with you if you would like to see them. 
I look forward to hearing from you soon. :-)

As a general rule I try to reply to anyone that has taken the time to write more than one line to me. When I looked at the profile I was actually left feeling a little insulted. There were a few key points that stood out for me:A time of big changes is upon me and it's time to ... have some fun. Please don't take that as only wanting sex or one night stands. Far from it! I'm just not ready for settling down or falling in love right now.

When asked what he cannot live without, last on the list was "boobs (not my own)". This of course was followed by "I spend a lot of time thinking about boobs. Honestly what man doesn't?"

And finally with you should message me if

you are saying to yourself 'WTF? Is this guy for real?' and you want to find out.

Or if you are wondering if I am as crazy as you are.
And only if you're the kind of person that will not just ignore me after you see a photo of me. Decent people will at least reply and say they're not interested.

Now I don't expect this person to change how he sees the world and how he presents himself. I don't expect him to care about what I don't like or my thoughts on the vast number of topics that we will never discuss. The beauty of digital connections are that I can leave them without regard, and with no connection to a genuine face to face encounter. I can ignore and walk away as I please. In saying all of that I did of course send a reply. Running on the assumption that this person has no idea about the messages he is putting out through his profile I just wanted to clear a thing or two up. I wanted him to know that some things are not okay with me (and I hope with a huge number of other people out there). I decided to reply first thing so I could move on with my day. 

My reply:

Hey there. Thanks for your message. Personally I find internet dating is easier to take it all with a grain of salt. Every now and then I meet someone interesting. I come and go from it as life permits and note that others do too. I try not to take anything too personally. I do notice a different social etiquette on internet forums (which are not the same as face to face). I guess connection through digital means only leaves those connections with a transience that doesn't hold in the same way as genuine personal encounters. I get the impression that you are pretty frustrated by the whole internet dating thing - 'Decent people will at least reply and say they're not interested'. If that is not the case than you might want to reconsider how you phrase that last line in your profile. 

In all honesty I don't think we would be a good match. I have stated some reasons below but feel free to disregard them as you please. Not everyone connects and that is life. 

I like that you have lots of information in your profile but I am always very wary of people that do not include a photo. I guess if I am putting myself out there publicly than I expect the other person to as well. I am very visual (hence all of the photos of me doing things) and have a general rule of not getting into long discussions with people without a photo.

I will just finish on a couple more points. I'd like to keep my options open about kids and I see that you have some already and don't want any more. You also note in your profile that you are just out of two long term relationships and are 'just not ready for settling down or falling in love right now'. Reading my profile you should have seen that 'I am in no hurry and I am not looking for "fun or discreet times" in the meantime' so you do not line up with what I am looking for. 

You also focus on 'boobs' in your profile which I find a little off putting. Although in the right context I have no problem with that (I am far from a prude about sex), I find the sexual objectification of women personally offensive. I am sure you are not intending to come across in any way offensive, but you might want to reconsider that point because without context it is hard to tell. By highlighting a body part, rather than an interest in a person as a whole it suggests that you might not consider women as whole people that should be treated accordingly. That runs against what I believe in, how I approach life and how I like people to approach me. 

Based on those points I am not sure we are looking for the same things or that we would click. There might be someone out there looking for what you have to offer but this is not me. Good luck in your search.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My reply might have been a completely pointless exercise that achieved nothing. I hope in spending that time I have just slightly nudged this person's perception of what is okay and normal. We're not all on the same page. Whatever the insecurities we have about ourselves or our place in the world it is not okay to direct them at others or treat a human being as less than (in this case as being an objectified fragment for sexual gratification). I could have ignored the comments about boobs or the passive aggressive comment on what a decent person is. I just feel that by ignoring comments and statements I am inadvertently condoning them and today I don't want to be that person.