Time Off

I am taking a week off blogging this week. For your entertainment I have linked to a few light video clips looking at dating to keep you going. Enjoy (I did)!

The Lawyer

I met up with a date who in his spare time was a lawyer. I like to call this fellow, 'The Lawyer'... you can probably guess why. Initially there wasn't too much on The Lawyer's profile. His job was there, some basic characteristics and a few things in the interests category. I usually don't accept contact from people with such limited information but he is a lawyer, so I thought, 'what the heck'. Being a lawyer suggests that he is educated, reasonably intelligent and he makes enough money to get by. That is a good start.

We decided to meet at a bar in the main strip. It is a nice casual venue with good meal deals on certain nights of the week. Date night was not one of those meal nights but we planned to have dinner and a drink or two there anyway.  

  

First impressions suggested that this guy was alright. He was attractive and casually well dressed. The Lawyer even held good conversation... for 20 minutes. After then it started to go downhill. He asserted that although there is an age gap between us, age shouldn't matter. He said he had a good feeling about us and that he thought we were a good match. He was 12 years older than me (14 years is my limit). I wasnt feeling so good about us yet, we didn't even know each other!

We continued chatting about our weeks and what we did, the things we enjoyed and what has brought us to internet dating. He was divorced with children. His children and friends had insisted he get out more. He struck me as someone who was a little lost with himself and needed a bit of motivation to engage with his own life. Maybe internet dating will be that for him.

There were two topics of conversation that he decided to discuss that stood out to me. The first conversation topic was about money. Now I know there is no rule written rule... or wait is there?

I am pretty sure it is well known that money is off the agenda for appropriate first date conversations. I could have probably guessed by the job description that The Lawyer was bringing in some bacon... he didn't need to slide it into the conversation a couple of times (just in case I missed it the first time). I am not someone waiting to be bought and talk of money is more of a business transaction to me (not the kind of thing I want to sit through on date 1). No thanks.

The second topic was of an astrological nature. Now I leave it to anyone to believe what they want to (okay, so maybe for my job I have to look at challenging beliefs occasionally but generally I let people be... unless I am considering them as a partner). He started out by saying "you know, I am a Leo and you a Scorpio. We have great compatibility". I wasn't expecting it from a lawyer and didn't really think it was a great topic at all. He continued. He asked me what I thought about star signs.

I told him that I believed about 1/3 of people that believe in star signs will change part of their personality to be more like their sign. I didn't quote where I got that from, but I remember hearing that statistic in an anomolistic psychology lecture once. In making this statement I would have thought that it suggests that I might not buy into the whole star sign thing. It was a subtle hint. He missed it. He continued to talk about star signs, and flick to his mobile facebook for too long than just to be looking for photos to show me. So this brings me to the clincher. Phone use during a date.

I usually keep my phone on silent (and not in use). I am not sure how some people missed the memo. It is not okay to use your phone while out on a first date!

He didn't take phone calls but what he did do was show me photos. I wasn't interested in looking at the photos but politely nodded and briefly commented on each. In my head was asking myself "really?". Now I can understand the merit of showing and sharing pictures. They are memories. They are moments in time special to the person that owns them. I, however, am not interested in being shown pictures of children, friends, holidays with children, friend's children, dogs or any other such things on date  number 1. How about we see if we even like each other and save all that other stuff for when we know I might actually meet these people and care some day.

So what was my decision on this fine specimen of an internet dater? I hear you asking. Well as much as our astrological connection predicted chemistry and good grounding and his job suggested financial stability, I wasn't sold. I called it after sitting through another half an hour of facebook photo looking and I went home.

In a crazy moment I was even considering going on the second date, just to give him the second chance to see if he improves. I canned that idea pretty soon after I had it. Those feelings of apprehension and and reservation are usually worth listening to.

Tell Me Something About Yourself

If someone's profile is their bait/lure, then the first email would have to be the hook. When fishing, if the first bite is managed well you have a catch. If it is botched up, this fish is still prioritising the get away.  

To me, the best email stands out, is creative and includes a little bit of humour (much like a profile). It tells me something about the person making contact and leaves me wanting to know more. Unfortunately this is not often the case in emails. The most common thing put forward to me in the first email is "tell me something about yourself".

I am in two minds about whether I mind this statement or not. On it's own, it can show that the other person is interested in finding out about who I am and what I find important. It is an ice breaker, an open ended statement calling for a response. On the other hand, when used on its own it is a very broad statement to respond to. What does someone want to know? I could easily pick out the factual things in response and recite them off - hair colour, eyes, years of study, height, birth weight, parental marital status, siblings, weight... no wait... that is not going to happen! That would be boring as batshit to read and completely irrelevant to the purpose of the first email. Plus most of that information (okay, some of that information) is already up there on my profile. This question when used without much leading information after I have already provided a lot of information in my profile, is also lazy.

As I have mentioned before, there is a fair amount in my profile. I hint, suggest, allude to, and flat out state who I am. I include openings to invite people to ask more about aspects of me, what I do and what I enjoy. I would hope that it is some of this information that has led the person to send me a kiss in the first place! "Tell me something about yourself" does not acknowledge any of the information I have already put forward, nor anything about them that I can then use to personalise my response!

So what do I reply to such a comment? Although I get a little annoyed (sometimes quite annoyed) about this statement, I often pick one or two things such as work and a hobby (that I have already mentioned on my profile). I introduce each thing by talking a little about myself and then reflect a question back to the person on a similar topic.  I usually even flick across to their profile, pull something out and ask about it to end the email, just to add something a little more novel. This usually brings forth a satisfactory response.

Although initially I get a rise when seeing this question, once the ball is rolling things usually pick up in further contact. I have come to acknowledge that the creativity and thoughtfulness required in sending the ultimate first email is in low abundance in the online dating world.

Like I said, I am in two minds about "tell me about yourself" and my responses range from ambivalence to frustration, depending how much energy I can be bothered putting towards it. I guess when I attribute laziness to the question it feeds into frustration, whereas, if I assume social incompetence I cope a little better. I don't know that either of those things is particularly desirable to me though.

I do know that I look forward to the times where the question isn't asked... where I am surprised by what I open up in my inbox. I enjoy it when I am not making escape plans... where the first pull of that fishing line is captivating. When it really does happen it will be a nice surprise!

Note: What really bugs me even more is when the replier answers my questions only minimally (hence not providing further footing for a good conversation) or adds "so what do you want to know about me?"! Talk about handing over all responsibility for meaningful dialogue! Who can be bothered always having to create a meaningful scaffold for interaction! Not me. Especially after a working week full of it as my job! At this point the communication is pretty far gone. My next reply is usually an email including the line "I am sorry, I don't think things will work out between us." It may close down my opportunities a little but it certainly helps with my frustration levels.

Rant over!

The Irish Guy

On first contact The Irish Guy sent a brief email talking about his time in Australia. Like many emails I get I was thrown the line "tell me something about yourself". I get this a lot and feel varying degrees of frustration to it (I discuss my opinions about this line in another blog).  Through email I found out a little bit about him. He was excited by and very fond of Australia.  Professionally, he previously wanted to work in human services helping people but couldn't disengage from work. He became a consulting professional in a different industry instead. We emailed and decided to have phone contact soon after.

The first phone call was wonderful. Although his accent was not strong (a bit of a disappointment for me), we spoke for hours. The biggest thing I was impressed with was his comment on my writing style. He identified that I responded to what he wrote, added some related information about myself and then asked another related question of him. It is nice to have my efforts acknowledged. It also suggested that he was a good communicator. After two and a half weeks we decided to meet up.

The first date
I suggested we grab my toboggan and head up to the snow. He preferred to meet for coffee first (my feeling about this discussed in another blog).  He had gone down to the morning market to meet up with friends beforehand. I was moving a chest of drawers while my friend was not using her ute. I managed to pick up the drawers and get them into the car but then came the dilemma of getting them out of the ute into my unit. I decided to give him a call. His friends had bailed on him in the morning so he was more than happy to help. I picked him up on the way past, we moved the drawers (which gave him a good opportunity to flex his man muscles), grabbed a coffee, and then decided  it was sufficiently pleasant enough to go for lunch too.

We joked and laughed through lunch. It was a welcome change to my usual date experience. He also made it very clear that he will not let me pay for anything and would be offended should I not allow him to cover the date. Another nice change (I did buy dessert though to make myself feel better for not paying my way). I have to admit, The Irish Guy so far was the best date I had come across.

Second Date
We decided to catch up again for lunch on a work day. We worked in relatively close proximity so we met in the middle and grabbed a meal. I have to admit, I had spoken with a friend in between date 1 and 2. She had me questioning the visa status in case he was looking to get hitched. It was the only question I aimed to have answered on date two. We chatted about work and our week so far. And I found out that he is in the country on a skilled working visa. That means there are no restrictions on him to stay in the country. We discussed the next date. He was having to do some work but keen on catching up on the Sunday anyway (time permitting). We finished our meals and he kissed me goodbye. There was a spark of chemistry. Things were looking very good.

Third Date
At around 11am on Sunday I messaged him, letting him know I was heading to the gym (and would by definition be busy for the next couple of hours). I asked how his work was going and to let me know about afternoon tea or dinner. 1 hour later I got a reply. "Will do". It didn't tell me how his work was going (and whether or not we looked to be catching up), which by this point he would have surely known. I don't like feeling as though I am chasing someone so I didn't reply. At 7:30pm I got a second message. It said "I am still working and not likely to catch up for dinner". No shit Sherlock!  I had already eaten and settled in for the night. I wished him the best with his work (but remained dirty about the lack of information he provided).

We ended up doing lunch again on a work day as the actual 3rd date. We did pleasantries. I was struggling letting go the previous mishap and was going to raise it when he said "thanks for being so understanding about last weekend". It annoyed me that he had raised it in that way. Given we had only really just met I didn't want to push too much anyway, but after a thank-you it was too tricky to raise my concerns. So I didn't push the topic.

Then things started taking a turn for the worse. For me, when there is something that is not sitting well with me, what I notice is physical characteristics. Someone who looked otherwise okay at this point will become a little strange, their features drawing my attention and focus. I noticed this guys face. His features appeared to be smooshed into the middle of his head. There was a lot of head each side of his face.

He kissed me goodbye but this time the spark was gone... in its place, a small amount or bitterness (and a whole lot of head coming toward and away from me).

We met one last time. I wasn't un-excited to be meeting up, I just wasn't excited either. We had a lovely dinner, then I dropped him off home. I met up with a friend the next day. She asked me what I liked about him. My reply was:
1. He is Irish (and has an Irish accent).
2. He the nicest/most normal guy I have come across through the internet dating site.
3. He pays for meals.

She decided that it was not a good sign. Through the conversation it was decided that an acceptable answer to this question in future, indicating a good partner, would meet 4 criteria:
1. I love their mind.
2. I love their body/face/appearance.
3. They love my mind.
4. They love my body/face/appearance.

I texted him during the week, asking him how it was going and hoping that work was less busy. He responded with "mad busy but I getting through it". I considered this a little dismissive so I let it go, not expecting to hear from him again... or caring too much about it. Two weeks letter I got a text apologising for not being in touch. I thanked him and called it as I saw it - lack of interest. He replied stating that it definately wasn't for a lack of interest, but rather lack of time. I guess my initial thoughts about him being a good communicator were off. If he were, he would probably have spent the extra 30 secs to say as much in earlier messages Or Maybe he would not have left it two weeks.

I have often reflected on the third date mishap and its impact on my feelings for Mr. Irish. Had we caught up on the Sunday, would that spark have been kindled? If it had have been date 4 or 5 would it have mattered so much? Maybe I would still be seeing the Irish Guy now.

Maybe the reality is that timing (and communication) can be everything.