Topics of Conversation

So I have been doing this internet dating thing on and off for a while now. In the process, I have had some interesting first date conversations. I can't deny my part in this. I thoroughly enjoyed the date spent debating zombie rebirth, methods of transmission, zombie speed and mobility (including the use of limbs without the muscle connections) and the fact that zombies are an analogy for disease and the constant conflict we have with emerging and sometimes fantasized past disease realities (e.g. the plague). I can appreciate that this kind of conversation is not everyone's cup of tea.

In this blog I am going to talk briefly about topics of conversation. I am not referring to free flowing, mutually driven (and sometimes nerdy/geeks/odd) conversation like the example above. I am going to discuss some of the topics that are less comfortable and satisfying. I will break them down into topics of children, ex partners, mental health and diet.

Children

I have no problem with children, in fact I love them. I want children one day myself. The statement I don't like in profiles, emails or in person is "my children are my world so you have to be okay with that" or "my children always come first". Firstly, I don't have to be okay with that! Secondly, why would I want to be with someone who from the get-go is saying my needs (and future children's?) are second rate? 

What this statement reads to me is more like:

"I am really boring and all I can talk about is my kids",

"Let's spend a date flicking through pictures of my kids instead of actually spending time together",

"I am a dad and this is my most defining feature, even if I don't want more kids", or 

"You aren't as important and I will ignore your needs when I have my kids around". 

Now I don't know about anyone else but that doesn't sound too enticing! More like something, that if given the choice I would rather avoid. 

I'd like to clarify that generally I am able to fully accept people and their children. I admire the parental urge to love and protect them. I even respect it. I just think that dating parents need to understand that if they want to start a new life with someone else, they need to give it a little space, energy and time too. Ease up on these comments about your children being your whole world. Instead let your date be your world while your kids aren't around. Without that middle ground you aren't leaving space in your life to build a relationship.

And just a little footnote on that, a good person will love those children anyway. They will do it because they love you and see your reflection in them, not because you have told them that they have to. If your new partner isn't good to your kids then reset and try again. You get to pick the person you get to be with, your kids don't. Let your kids be a litmus test for your new partner (just give your potential partner attention and time so that a relationship can develop if it is meant to be). 

Ex-partners

It would be no surprise to anyone, but extensive conversation on the topic of exes, especially on a first or second date is probably not okay.  I am going to be straight here. Don't go there. If you still have their photos up at home, still get upset you when you see your ex, or if you are talking about them when meeting a new partner - you aren't over them. It might be helpful to spend some time on and with yourself. To the trained (and untrained) eye, it is possible to pick up on subtle hints (see section 5) suggesting this might be that case with your date.

As a side note on this topic, if you are currently in a relationship and looking for discreet encounters - YOU ARE A SELFISH, CHEATING ASSHOLE! Sort your issues or leave your partner. If you have to hide your new connections or ask them to hide details about you, then surely you know it is not okay. Become a decent human being. Please. And whilst you are at it, do not contact me. Ever!

Mental Health

Mental health is usually a topic I find hard to avoid. Even the question of "what do you do" leads to this kind of content. As outrageous as it sounds, I am meeting potential partners, not clients. If someone has recently tried to kill themselves, is depressed or highly anxious to a level that is clinically significant, a distraction might be good but really, they need a therapist, not a date. Mental health issues are hard work.

If you know one of these people and they want to leave a good first impression, tell them to step away from the computer and leave internet dating alone for a while. These conditions often result in a lot of self-focused thoughts and actions that don't leave space for someone else. Relationships always require a bit of work but starting downstream without a paddle doesn't give it a good shot.

Diet

I am pretty open minded when it comes to diets. I understand that there are preferences for food, medical conditions that impact what people can eat, and philosophical positions that impact food choice.  In terms of conversation topics, I admit that I usually am the one to instigate this.

I will give you an example of how this might roll out on a date (that I actually had). I was invited to meet a male out at midday at a cafe. At 12 it is unlikely that someone would have already had lunch. Too late for morning tea and pretty much spot on for lunch time, I evidently assumed wrong in thinking we might be grabbing a meal. He wanted a green tea (just one, because 2 does not have the same health benefits) and was not ordering any food. I asked why. He explained to me that he was trying out a new diet and didn't eat any sugar... none. Not in any form. No glucose, fructose, naturally occurring (in fruits and some vegetables) or otherwise. He had completely restricted his diet and wasn't letting any sweet in. My first question was "do you have a medical condition such as diabetes?". No he didn't.

I will let you in on a secret here. I often probe people's reasoning when they say "Oh, I can't eat that" to establish the underlying reason.  By doing this I am actually screening for people's propensity to be misled by pseudoscience and the general misrepresentation of science, to believe and act without questioning, all which is generally tied to wild and crazy, over-the-top dieting regimes. He failed. Call me an over-analyser... it is what I do (for a living).

The other reason I ask this question is because I actually like food. I enjoy eating and sampling life's delicacies when the moment is right. I am fond of cheese (some might even say I am a bit of a fiend). I like to cook, especially when it is for others. And by preference I prefer to avoid fast and fatty, fried take away food. If you have a medical condition I am happy to bend over backwards to make you a pleasant meal. If you are just somewhat eating disordered with a severely skewed understanding of health and nutrition you better look for a meal elsewhere. You ain't bringing my bread home.

In summary, conversation is very important in making a good impression. Being good at it really helps and what you say is usually only part of the message you are actually sending to someone (especially when you end up on a date with me).

I often get the question "so are you analysing me right now?" in response to my profession. Like everyone else, if I am having fun or am engaged in something interesting, then no, I am too busy with that to spend my energy analysing why something was done or said. The reality is that first (internet) dates sometimes far from fun and engaging (refer to ALL previous blog posts). So in a round about way, the short answer, as you probably gathered from this blog is yes. Yes I am. The reality is we all analyse each other. We all strive to understand where others are coming from, especially those we are considering or hope to make a connection with. It is the same thing. I am just a little more versed at it. Just be awesome and you have nothing to worry about.