Topics of Conversation

So I have been doing this internet dating thing on and off for a while now. In the process, I have had some interesting first date conversations. I can't deny my part in this. I thoroughly enjoyed the date spent debating zombie rebirth, methods of transmission, zombie speed and mobility (including the use of limbs without the muscle connections) and the fact that zombies are an analogy for disease and the constant conflict we have with emerging and sometimes fantasized past disease realities (e.g. the plague). I can appreciate that this kind of conversation is not everyone's cup of tea.

In this blog I am going to talk briefly about topics of conversation. I am not referring to free flowing, mutually driven (and sometimes nerdy/geeks/odd) conversation like the example above. I am going to discuss some of the topics that are less comfortable and satisfying. I will break them down into topics of children, ex partners, mental health and diet.

Children

I have no problem with children, in fact I love them. I want children one day myself. The statement I don't like in profiles, emails or in person is "my children are my world so you have to be okay with that" or "my children always come first". Firstly, I don't have to be okay with that! Secondly, why would I want to be with someone who from the get-go is saying my needs (and future children's?) are second rate? 

What this statement reads to me is more like:

"I am really boring and all I can talk about is my kids",

"Let's spend a date flicking through pictures of my kids instead of actually spending time together",

"I am a dad and this is my most defining feature, even if I don't want more kids", or 

"You aren't as important and I will ignore your needs when I have my kids around". 

Now I don't know about anyone else but that doesn't sound too enticing! More like something, that if given the choice I would rather avoid. 

I'd like to clarify that generally I am able to fully accept people and their children. I admire the parental urge to love and protect them. I even respect it. I just think that dating parents need to understand that if they want to start a new life with someone else, they need to give it a little space, energy and time too. Ease up on these comments about your children being your whole world. Instead let your date be your world while your kids aren't around. Without that middle ground you aren't leaving space in your life to build a relationship.

And just a little footnote on that, a good person will love those children anyway. They will do it because they love you and see your reflection in them, not because you have told them that they have to. If your new partner isn't good to your kids then reset and try again. You get to pick the person you get to be with, your kids don't. Let your kids be a litmus test for your new partner (just give your potential partner attention and time so that a relationship can develop if it is meant to be). 

Ex-partners

It would be no surprise to anyone, but extensive conversation on the topic of exes, especially on a first or second date is probably not okay.  I am going to be straight here. Don't go there. If you still have their photos up at home, still get upset you when you see your ex, or if you are talking about them when meeting a new partner - you aren't over them. It might be helpful to spend some time on and with yourself. To the trained (and untrained) eye, it is possible to pick up on subtle hints (see section 5) suggesting this might be that case with your date.

As a side note on this topic, if you are currently in a relationship and looking for discreet encounters - YOU ARE A SELFISH, CHEATING ASSHOLE! Sort your issues or leave your partner. If you have to hide your new connections or ask them to hide details about you, then surely you know it is not okay. Become a decent human being. Please. And whilst you are at it, do not contact me. Ever!

Mental Health

Mental health is usually a topic I find hard to avoid. Even the question of "what do you do" leads to this kind of content. As outrageous as it sounds, I am meeting potential partners, not clients. If someone has recently tried to kill themselves, is depressed or highly anxious to a level that is clinically significant, a distraction might be good but really, they need a therapist, not a date. Mental health issues are hard work.

If you know one of these people and they want to leave a good first impression, tell them to step away from the computer and leave internet dating alone for a while. These conditions often result in a lot of self-focused thoughts and actions that don't leave space for someone else. Relationships always require a bit of work but starting downstream without a paddle doesn't give it a good shot.

Diet

I am pretty open minded when it comes to diets. I understand that there are preferences for food, medical conditions that impact what people can eat, and philosophical positions that impact food choice.  In terms of conversation topics, I admit that I usually am the one to instigate this.

I will give you an example of how this might roll out on a date (that I actually had). I was invited to meet a male out at midday at a cafe. At 12 it is unlikely that someone would have already had lunch. Too late for morning tea and pretty much spot on for lunch time, I evidently assumed wrong in thinking we might be grabbing a meal. He wanted a green tea (just one, because 2 does not have the same health benefits) and was not ordering any food. I asked why. He explained to me that he was trying out a new diet and didn't eat any sugar... none. Not in any form. No glucose, fructose, naturally occurring (in fruits and some vegetables) or otherwise. He had completely restricted his diet and wasn't letting any sweet in. My first question was "do you have a medical condition such as diabetes?". No he didn't.

I will let you in on a secret here. I often probe people's reasoning when they say "Oh, I can't eat that" to establish the underlying reason.  By doing this I am actually screening for people's propensity to be misled by pseudoscience and the general misrepresentation of science, to believe and act without questioning, all which is generally tied to wild and crazy, over-the-top dieting regimes. He failed. Call me an over-analyser... it is what I do (for a living).

The other reason I ask this question is because I actually like food. I enjoy eating and sampling life's delicacies when the moment is right. I am fond of cheese (some might even say I am a bit of a fiend). I like to cook, especially when it is for others. And by preference I prefer to avoid fast and fatty, fried take away food. If you have a medical condition I am happy to bend over backwards to make you a pleasant meal. If you are just somewhat eating disordered with a severely skewed understanding of health and nutrition you better look for a meal elsewhere. You ain't bringing my bread home.

In summary, conversation is very important in making a good impression. Being good at it really helps and what you say is usually only part of the message you are actually sending to someone (especially when you end up on a date with me).

I often get the question "so are you analysing me right now?" in response to my profession. Like everyone else, if I am having fun or am engaged in something interesting, then no, I am too busy with that to spend my energy analysing why something was done or said. The reality is that first (internet) dates sometimes far from fun and engaging (refer to ALL previous blog posts). So in a round about way, the short answer, as you probably gathered from this blog is yes. Yes I am. The reality is we all analyse each other. We all strive to understand where others are coming from, especially those we are considering or hope to make a connection with. It is the same thing. I am just a little more versed at it. Just be awesome and you have nothing to worry about.

Jack Hoff

It has been a long while since my last post. I set internet dating aside and spent some time focusing on my friends, family, travel and home owning. I am still single and it has been quite a while since my last date. Since my last post there have been a couple of moments that have been bloggable. This one starts on a quiet night in.

Leading up to this story it was a mostly unmemorable night. I was letting brain cells die off as I absent-mindedly watched an episode of Downton Abbey (because I can be that kind of exciting). I was considering the portrayal of a 1920s dispute between a married couple and wondering where today's gentleman are hiding when I got a knock at the door.

This isn't a typical night for me. I am usually out and about visiting others or doing something (for example, dancing) and I rarely get unexpected visitors. At the time I lived in a top floor unit in a complex in suburban Australia. It was a building with practical rather than aesthetic qualities. The rent was cheap and the tenants were interesting. I didn't mind the place and I had very few problems with my neighbours in my time there. I would say hello to them in the car park and pretend that the occasional weed plant in the main garden did not exist. Each neighbour politely returned the courtesy.

So there was a knock on my door. When I opened the door, it was my neighbour from the unit directly below. He stated that he had been baking and had some left-over special choc chip biscuits if I would like them. The special part of those biscuits was probably the same kind of special that gave him the worst case of bloodshot that I have ever seen. He was completely baked, so to speak. Being the polite "be nice and non-judgemental towards my neighbours" type of person that I make an effort to be, I thanked him and began tying up the conversation. I clearly had important plot lines to follow and meaningful questions to ponder with relation to Downton.

Now in saying I did not really have any problems with my neighbours, in all the interesting that they were, interesting things happened from time to time. On a birthday I was left 6 eggs, all with faces drawn on them. Creepy and sweet, all at the same time (actual birthday eggs pictured below).

Getting back to the story, I was about to close the door on my neighbour when he stated that he had one more question for me. By this point I was struggling with my cat who was no longer happy to be held and wanting to dash out into the night. In hind sight, shutting the fly wire door and letting go of her would have made things more comfortable, but it was also my excuse to wrap things up. Continuing to be polite I asked him what the question is.  When his response was an awkward "would you like to watch me jack off in front of you?" surprise and shock were the most prominent feelings in response!

My first thought was "You have got to be kidding. I mean, really?!". My actual response was a polite smile and a "no, thank you". To try and dissipate some of the awkward that clung to the air I soon followed that up with "I've just started seeing someone and I don't think they would appreciate it". This of course was a complete lie. The only visitor I had visiting me was a girlfriend who joined me for the latest episode of Game of Thrones once a week. I guess being out often backed up the story enough to make it believable. He accepted my decline and we both went back to our separate lives.

I am well aware that the simple "no, thank you" was more than adequate as a response to his question. Hell, I could have slammed the door in his face and called the police and it would not have been unreasonable. I have become so accustomed to managing situations out of left field in my working life that my primary response is always "let's minimise this awkward". 

I had a number of questions to ponder once I returned to the couch (and these weren't drawn from the world of Downton). What kind of person thinks that it is acceptable to ask that of a stranger? He has guts, I'll give him that. Either that or he completely lacks the capacity to think through the possible outcomes of any action (and given his state of mind it is probably the latter). Does he really think that works? Maybe it has worked for him before? What kind of woman accepts an offer like that? Do I really look like that kind of woman? Needless to say, there were a lot of questions.

My next move was to discreetly text and call all of my closest friends and inform them of the night's events (he's not a client so there is no need for confidentiality with this one). Let's face it, this kind of offer doesn't come around all the time. I will give him something though, at least he asked. Acting first and asking later would have been a whole other level of creepy and awkward.

At the end of the night I concluded that the gentlemen of today are still around. I just need to change my definition of gentlemen. Instead of politely requesting that an argument with their long-term wife is postponed until tempers are eased (the scene from Downton), occasionally they now come knocking on your door. Sometimes they leave eggs with faces on them, other times they offer to demonstrate how they can fertilise yours for you. Call my picky, but in cases like this I prefer to go without.